


SOME MORE 

THUSETTES 



Eudorus C. Kenney 



m:^ 



SOME MORE 

THUSETTES 



EUDORUS C. KENNEY 

WASHINGTON, D. C, 1905 



Still at thy feet, tweet Kvato, 
Oh, caust thou uow refuse ? 

Grant me one favor, ere I go, 
One tiny little thiise ! 

And thou, Thalia, also list 
• Unto my hopeless case; 

If thou hast e'er a mortal kissed. 
Turn not away thy face ! 



CORTLAND, N. Y.: 
The Democrat Priniekv 

. . . 1905 . . . 



LIBRARY of GONfiRESSi 
Two Copies rtectsjvtio I 

SEP. 1 1^0^ P5 -2)5:11 



Elssays Against Superstition, 1891; Thusettes, 1899; Some More 
Thusettes, 1905. Kach 15 cts. The Avithor, Truxton, N. Y. 



V^opyt ight Ujii^ by the Aiitlioi\\ 






^' 



CONTENTS. 

PACK 

Acritated.. H^-^ 

A Little Excited Yet 113 

Amendment XV 120 

Amorous Uncle Sam 50 

Appropriate 101 

At Work as Usual Jl 

Automatrimony ^6 

Automobile, The 31 

Babv Squalls, The 92 

Before and After 108 

Beware — ^0 

Beware the Widows ! ^2 

Blank Sorrow 78 

Blockading- Squadron, To the 8 

Boyopathy 107 

Boy Who Didn't Go, The 41 

Bryan to Roosevelt 114 

Changed His Mind Since 57 

Chestnut Tree, The 39 

Christmas 102 

Christmas Loneliness 107 

Christmas Vacation, 1903 54 

Classic Cableg-ram, A 101 

Cock-a-doodle-do! 100 

Color Guard, The 90 

Comforts HI 

Con Amour 40 

Convinced 68 

Cousin Hattie, To ^. 69 

Cow-bells, The 35 

Daisie's Gone! 107 

Declaring- His Intentions 3 



PAGE 

Deserted House, The 46 

Difference Between Them, The 54 

Difference, The „— ._ 106 

Diviner, The . 45 

Don't Be Discouraged ^ 3 

Don't Pluck Them 28 

Doxey 32 

Easily Distinguished 113 

Easily Settled 93 

Editor's Trust, The 84 

Eight O'clock 96 

Election Reflection, An 98 

Epitaph - 103 

Explained 68 

Fable, A --_- 99 

Falling In Love 82 

Fatal Glass, The 85 

Father's Cheer, The 84 

Firm Foundation, A 69 

First Clip, The 63 

Florence, To 80 

Former Pupil, To a 94 

Fuze, The 26 

Game of Life, The 103 

General Miles' Ride 37 

German National Song, The 20 

Glen Haven, Rules for 1898 15 

Good Advice for England 22 

Good Exercise 119 

Good Physician, The 25 

Good Soil 81 

Governor Douglas 98 

Grave-diggers' Banquet, The 3 

Heart of a Thief, The 64 

Heart of a Wife, The 101 

He Keeps Cool 93 

He Who Thinks He Knows It All, Knows Nothing 36 

How to Participate 95 

Hundred Thousand Men, A 13 



PAGE 

If the Devil Should Give It Up 58 

Incident, An 29 

In Memoriam ~ — _^-.- — _- 105 

Institute Roll Call ^ 16 

In Terms of His Own Faith 108 

It Converted Him 99 

It Finished Him '"^6 

Jack and the Sparrows ^^ 

Japanese Mother, The ^J^ 

Japanese War Poem ''1 

Just One Boy 6 

Kidnapping- '9 

Latest in Confectionery, TI.c 6 

Laughing- Shepherd Boy, The 22 

Laziness ^^ 

Leaving- Home ^^ 

Leo XIII 36 

Let the Gods Arbitrate ■^^ 

Library of Cong-ress, The 48 

Living- Statuary 68 

Locomotive, The 81 

Love's Proof 97 

Matins 2? 

Memories '6 

Meteorolog-ical 65 

Mike's Fairy 21 

Mint Julep, A '^ 

Mit Liebe Jl 

Modern Mohammed, A 70 

Modesty 91 

Morgan ^6 

Mother .__----- .— 114 

My Pupil 108 

National Anthem, A 12 

Nellie 95 

New Year's Greeting- to F. H 8/ 

No Republic 14 

Not so Fast This Time 54 

Oakland, Md 29 



PAGE 

Oh, Times and Customs ! 24 

Old School House, The 120 

On the Stairs __. 110 

Organ Blower, The 111 

Pat's Life Preserver 11 

Pius X 38 

Platform 1904, The 77 

Presbyterian Profanity 113 

Priest's Belief, The 83 

Primary, A 50 

Proposal, A 96 

Query, A 90 

Reader, To the 1 

Reg-al Birth, A 78 

Reg-ret '_ . 105 

Reina Christina, Tlie 31 

Reliance 43 

Reveng-e 19 

Rhein-wine Toper, The 48 

Ring- Versus Blow - 55 

Rise of Man, The ■ 61 

Rockefeller 118 

Rosebud on the Heather, The 19 

Rural Delivery, The 72 

Sagwa 116 

Santo Doming-o 111 

Saved 94 

Scriptural 91 

Seg-regation 9 

Self Sacrificing- 91 

Shaver's Institute Order 95 

Ship from the Phillippines, A 44 

Similia Similibus Curantur 119 

Skating on Very Thin Ice 52 

Socialism 61 

So Goes the World 14 

Song of the Ballot 66 

Song, The 44 

Spring Blossoms 86 



PAGK 

Squibs 92 

Sweet Sixteen 89 

Swing-ing Round the Circle 17 

Synonymous 87 

They Can't Help It 100 

They Would Not Pay 80 

Thomas Truxtun 1 

Times Are Chang-ed 85 

Tippleress, The 45 

Tit for Tat 52 

Tokens 56 

To X. With a Picture of a Bathing: Suit 82 

Trag-edy in the House of Representatives 74 

Trip of the Liberty Bell, The 75 

Try Another Cut 104 

Twentieth Century Home, The 115 

Typog-raphical 67 

Uncle Joe 106 

Uncle Sam _- 56 

Valentine, The 117 

Venezuela. 10 

War ■- 62 

War ! 42 

Warning"! 63 

Way it Works, The 27 

Which ? 67 

Why Shamrock HI Will Win 40 

Why It Was Spoiled 89 

Winter Flash-light, A-. 57 

Wonders of Surg-ery, The 109 

Wornout Handkerchief, On a 26 

Yankee Doodle Up-to-Date , 60 



TO THE READER. 

People are not all alike — 
Thank the Lord for that! 

What is bitterness to Mike, 
May be Joy to Pat. 

What the pendantess will scorn, 

To the man of toil 
May seem like a sunny morn 

Laughing- on the soil. 

In the world all sorts of notes 

The motley chorus fill; 
Each to some heart sweetly floats 

And finds responsive thrill. 

So, if in this volumette 
Much you find to blame, 

Pass it by and kindly let 
Others try the same. 



THOMAS TRUXTUN. 



Oh, his was a life on the surging sea. 
When the privateer to the breezes free 

Set his sail with a buoyant heart ! 
And his was the life of a patriot true. 
Who plowed the waves of the ocean blue. 

That he might fulfill his part ! 

1 



Away on the brine, when a rosy boy, 
He leaped at nig-ht to the long "ahoy" 

Which midst his slumbers rang; 
But he swore an oath, that he ne'er forgot, 
When on British soil with a fury hot 

He fought the im]iressment gang. 

Alas, tor the English merchant-man. 
Who nig'h to the Independence ran, 

As she rose on the billow's crest ; 
For upon her sailed a hardv crew 
And a captain full of the spirit new, 

That burned in the Yankee breast ! 

Alas, when the French Insurgent fell 
In reach of the Constellation's hell, 

For Truxtun had command; 
Her flag must dip to the hero bold. 
And with all her men down in the hold 

He brought her into land I 

And the Vengeance too must leave the main 
All riddled and torn by the awful rain 

Of shot from his broad-sides; 
Midst shouts of victory long and loud. 
Queen of the ocean fair and proud, 

The Constellation rides ! 

And now he stands on the President 
Beneath the flag his country has sent. 

An honored Commodore I 
Ten goodly sail his floet compose, 
A warning dread to the lurking foes. 

That prowl about our shore. 

No marble shaft or statue grand 
Within Columbia's realm doth stand 

To sound forth Truxtun 's fame; 
Then join with me, my native hills. 
And ye, sweet vales and laughing rills, 

We'll sing his noble name ! 



DON'T BE DISCOURAGED! 

Fret not, my 3-outhful poet dear, 
With sad and anxious heart, 

If, ere your lines in type appear, 
A few brief mouths depart. 

But bear with fortitude your fate. 
For here's a thought, that cheers; 

Immortal Homer had to wait 
About two thousand years 1 



DECLARING HIS INTENTIONS. 

"Say, Sam, you're not the whole of it, 
Oh, no!" quote old John Bull, 
As on his much expanded vest 
He gave a downward pull; 
"You strut about and boldly flout 
The name 'America;' 
I guess some land upon that strand 
Belongs unto your pa I" 

"'That's so, old boy," says Uncle Sam; 

"You own more dirt than I, 
But then you see, the folks on yours 

Don't step around so spry. 
The name, I claim, reflects my aim; 

Though it gives you some alarm. 
I calculate at a future date 

To 'swipe' the whole dernd farm!" 



THE GRAVE DIGGER'S BANQUET. 

'Oh ho for a feast," said the sexton old, 
As he leaned on his spade for breath, 

'Where friends meet friends, good hearts and bold, 
Who're in league with his honor. Death I 



The doctor, aye, and chief of all, 

Shall come; for with dose and pill 

He hails from afar the approaching pall 
Midst dreams of a generous bill. 

And the jolly good priest shall grace my board ; 

For old death I do opine, 
Is the friend by whom his cellar is stored 

With those rare old casks of wine. 

The lawyer, too, as you end this life. 

To engross your will agrees. 
And in following j^ears of bitterest strife 

Fills his pockets with excellent fees. 

And the undertaker, all do know. 

How with eager measuring eye 
He scans the course of the process slow 

That lays you down to die. 

Tiien I indeed with my pick and spade 

A pittance do humbly earn. 
As each bundle of bones is softly laid 

Underneath the moss and the fern. 

The sculptor builds you a tombstone grand 
With your name thereon embossed. 

And your heirs around will proudly stand 
And boast of th' enormous cost. 

So we all will drink to our grim old host. 
Who brings us comfort and cheer; 

To laugh at the sorrows of men, our boast, 
To grow fat on a sigh and a tear." 

And the feast was held and the men sat down, 

A group of companions queer, 
A skull full of wine passed merrily round 

A coffin-shaped table drear. 



Their knives were spades and their forks were picks, 

A hearse rolled down the board, 
And the squire remarked: "It is bound for Styx, 

Where the most of our freight is stored." 

"Oh, here's to the troubles of life!" he said, 

"The sorrows, that brings us J03' I 
Bad health to the living-; may they soon be dead I 

Long- life doth our business annoy I" 

Then a bell was tolled and a tombstone raised 

Of loaf cake frosted and sweet. 
And a big- pot-pie was highly praised 

Made of grave-3'ard-rabbits' feet. 

They all joined hands and sang- a song, 

And afterwards marched around ; 
But the grave digger felt that something was wrong 

For the floor seemed very unsound. 

And he saw all about him a crowd of ghosts. 

Which slowly moved by in a row, 
Many dear old friends were among the hosts ; 

He had buried them years ago. 

They slowly beckoned with waving hand 

To the reckless banquetters gay. 
And seemed to imply: "You will join our band 

At a not very distant day." 

And the sexton went home with an aching- head 

And wished that God had decreed 
A cheerier life for him, instead 

Of the one he was forced to lead. 

But one may laugh or one ma}^ scowl 

At the road we mortals tread ; 
The crown and the mitre, foolscap, cowl. 

Are the same when at last vou are dead. 



THE LATEST IN CONFECTIONERY 

One day I stole a little kiss 

From off the lips of Mary. 
She is the sweetest, sweetest girl — 

But kisses sometimes vary. 
This one, it was the sweetest kiss I 

Oh my I it was a dandy ! 
I'll tell you why, if you won't tell; 

She'd just been eating- candy I 



JUST ONE BOY. 



The author feels the impropriety of girls singing the popular 
song, "Just One Girl ;" to meet this crying want he submits the 
following version : 

I'm in love with a dear little fellow — 

Only one — only one — 
He's a peachlet rich, juicy and mellow — 

Full of fun— full of fun; 
When he sees me, he greets me wilh "hello!" 

Then I run — yes, I run — 
But sooner than 'takes me to tell. Oh I 

That sweet little race is done! 
Jttst one boy, only just one boy; 

There are others I know, but they're not my joj^ ;. 
Rain or shine, he'll be always mine ; 

I'll be jiappy forever with just one boj'. 

His cheeks are so fresh and so rosy ; 

Oh, he's sweet — just as sweet 
As a newly blown bright little posy 

With its fragrance complete; 
Beneath his dear little brown nosey 

When I steal, I just feel 
So happy, contented, and cosey, 

I hardly believe it's real. 



In a hammock we often g-o swinging- 

Neath the tree none can see 
How tig-htly together we're clinging 

As can be — as can be — 
And the birds then their love song-s are singing- 

So are we— so are we — 
Oh, the wedding bells seem to be ringing 

For that little boy and me. 

His papa has lots of objections — 

So has mine — so has mine — 
Their heads are so full of reflections 

That they shine — yes, they shine — 
But the source of our deepest affections 

Is divine — yes, divine — 
In Heaven arise such selections ; 

They're sweeter, far sweeter than wine. 

JACK AND THE SPARROWS. 

[From the German.] 

"Oh, father, say, what shall I do, 
To catch the sparrows, one or two? 
The sparrows I" 

His father said: "Naught will avail 
Except some salt thrown on the tail 
The sparrows." 

So Jack of salt a handful took 
And slyly watched with neck acrook 
The sparrows. 

And when the first one lit near by. 
He said: "I'll catch you now, oh, my ! 
You sparrow I" 

Then flew the little bird, husch, husch. 
Into the nearest linden bush. 
Ah, sparrows I 



'They don't hold still, oh, father dear, 
When with the salt I come so near, 
The sparrows !" 

'Then let the little sparrows be 1 
They are too smart for you and me, 
The sparrows I" 



TO THE BLOCKADING SQUADRON. 

Sail back, ye ships, with sides of steel, 

With thund'rin;^ voice and sulph'rous breath; 

Your engine hearts no pity feel, 
You are but instruments of death I 

By Venezuela's helpless shores 

You prowl around with threat'nings dread. 
While, penned within, a land implores. 

That God will give her daily bread. 

Go home and leave to peaceful means 
The settling of these sordid claims; 

A brighter day for freedom beams. 

When high Bartholdi's beacon flames. 

Sail back, sail back, across the sea. 
And take along your bags of gold; 

America untouched must be, 
The hope of peoples yet untold. 

No foreign lord shall e'er embrace 
Americ's sisters. North or South, 

'Tis here republics have their place; 

'Tis so proclaimed by God's own mouth. 

Then sail away, ye warships black, 
Steam off to watch the grimy Turk ; 

Ouick, as the waves close o'er your track. 
May we forget your dastard work. 



SEGREGATION 

[Note : The authorities of Chicago University have st'i)arated 
the boys from the girls iu that institution.] 

To an angel with staid Wisdom wed 
Your attention I now humbly heg; 

At Cornell they call her "Coed." 
At Chicag-o she answers to "Seg-. " 

She's deemed a companion of man 

In Ithaca's classic halls; 
But Chicago does all that she can 

To avert primordial falls. 

She rests with beauty supreme 
At Cornell upon the front seats ; 

By the lakes her sweet radiant beam 
No longer on souls of men beats. 

They say, that the western young man 
Too fickle of heart was found ; 

So they put the girls under a ban 
And marched them all into a pound. 

The professors in language francais 
Now feel much more at their ease ; 

They can give to their wit fullest play 
And say to the boys what they please. 

The boys care not how they look, 
The girls wear any old thing; 

With noses deep sunk in a book 
To the goddess Diana they sing. 

Sweet Cupid is banished afar 

From Chicago, blown rudely away, 

Deserted the marital bar. 
All lost is the title M. A. 



And so at last it is proved, 

That that old most dang-erous tree 

Of knowledg-e from Eden is moved 
And planted by Michigan's sea. 

And "banished" once more is the curse. 
But not from the g^arden, my brother, 

Ah no; to-day it is worse, 

This time, alas, from each other ! 



VENEZUELA 

To revolutions' wracking throes, 

To sorrow, death, and all those woes. 

Which wars internal bring. 
Comes vaunting also greed of gold, 
Nursed in the hearts of nations cold. 

And would life's driblets wring 
From Venezuela. 

Will Hohenzollern casts his eye 
Adown his ledger and doth spy 

A debt long overdue : 
" 'Tis just the time to push our claim ; 
The creditor is weak and lame; 

With shells we'll straightway sue 
This Venezuela." 

And Johnny Bull with look ask mice 
Sees looming- up a blooming chance 

To flaunt his armament. 
No task for him to find a debt; 
The two in friendship soon are met, 

And warships off are sent 
To Venezuela. 

See now, the others do advance, 
Italia, Belg-ium, Holland, France, 
And Mexico. 

10 



Armed cruisers sail along- the coast 
With silent but insulting- boast, 
A monster foe 

For Venezuela. 

And Willie's Panther fain must bark ; 
So long she'd practiced at a mark, 

She could not hold. 
But Fort San Carlos seemed to bite. 
And shot her little guns all right ; 

'Twas not so cold 

In Venezuela. 

"Set not your foot upon the land ; 
Upon this point we take our stand," 

Said Theodore ; 
You may blockade, your cannons shoot, 
And chase small schooners for their loot 

That's all, no more 

In Venezuela. 



PAT'S LIFE PRESERVER. 

The winds did sigh, and the waves dashed high, 

And the ship g-ave up in despair; 
And Pat drank deep, while his heart did leap, 

And on end stood every hair. 

Then some did say, it was time to pray, 

But the captain loudly roared ; 
"Let each one bind to whatever he can find. 

That will hold him safe on board." 

But the good ship true rode bravely through 

And for Pat they hunted round ; 
They found him deep in a calm, sweet sleep. 

To the anchor firmly bound. 

11 



A NATIONAL ANTHEH 

Smash, Smash, Smash I 
List to the war cry in Kansas I 
Amazonian bands 
With hatchets in hands 
Are making- demands 

On the topers. 

Tramp, Tramp, tramp ; 
See them march on to the conflict; 

Every bottle of g-in 

Is slyly drawn in 

Before they beg-in 
The bombardment. 



Bim, bim, bim I 
Hear the stones crash throug-h the windows 
Dumbfounded we sit 
And wonder at it ; 
These women can hit 
What they throw at ! 

Oh, oh, oh! 
Hark to the moan of the husbands I 
While mamma's awaj-, 
Poor papa must stay 
All nig-ht and all day 
With the babies. 

Halt, halt, halt ! 
Sounds the stern voice of the people ; 
Though evil exist, 
You g-irls must desist 
From joining- the list 
Of disturbers. 

12 



A HUNDRED THOUSAND HEN. 

We're a nation now of fighters ; 

Can'i you hear the eagle scream? 
Gone are days of peace and comfort 

Like the vapors of a dream ; 
Stronger grows our navy daily 

And the time is nearing, when 
We shall sport a standing army 

Of a hundred thousand men I 

Once 'twas said, that our Columbia 

Peace would force upon the world,. 
That the flag of arbitration 

By the powers wou'd be unfurled, 
That the blood and hell of battle 

Would no longer flow and rage, 
And upon the book of nations 

Would appear a virgin page. 

But instead behold our Congress 

In an evil reckless hour 
To the man, who heads the army, 

Granting dictatorial power, 
Buying cruisers, shells, torpedoes, 

Bullets, powder, rifles, then 
Saddling on the late republic 

Just a hundred thousand men ! 

Yes, we're in the Cuban muddle, 
Phillipines and China, too; 

Over carnage, rape and bloodshed 
Floats our loved red, white and blue. 

Go to work, mechanics, farmers, 
Bring your money in again ; 

You must feed this standing army 
Of a hundred thousand men. 

13 



NO REPUBLIC. 

Said Edward to his chamberlain ; 

"How are these suitors dressed?" 
"In frock-coats, sir," my lord replied, 

And bowed with quaking- breast 
Said Edward Rex : "Forbid this gear ; 
At Court let uniforms appear ; 
This realm is no republic." 

Said William Rex to Uncle Sam : 
"I want more men equipped," 

"What for?" said Sam in wonderment; 
"The Spaniards are all whipped!" 

Said William Rex : "By this same means 

I'll teach the bloody Phillipines 
This land is no republic." 



SO GOES THE WORLD. 

A nation mourns its queen ; 
So long- she reigned it seemed. 
She'd live forever. Then 
Another hails its queen 
A bride; so bright the world 
Now dawns for her, life seems 
To stretch aw a}' to all 
Eternity. Alas ! 

These are but headings brief 
In old Time's catalog; 

Victoria, dead, 

Wilhelmina, wed ; 
So goes the world anon. 



14 



GLEN HAVEN RULES 

I. To secure high toned patronage: 

Guests coming- here bj^ Sataii sired 
Without delay are straightway fired. 

II. To prevent prof an it}' : 

Guests who curse and swear in wrath 
Must take a red hot sulphur bath. 

III. With reference to children in arms: 

Nurse with child five years or under 
Will ke'^p it still or go to thunder. 

IV. As to young ladies bathing in the lake : 

Girls whose feet are bare at all 
Must hide behind a parasol. 

V. As to dinner : 

Guests ordering soup before their meat 
Will sit and wait while others eat. 

VI. With reference to "liquid refreshments:" 

A thirsty guest, who beer would take, 
Must pull his boat across the lake. 

VII. Bearing on lamps: 

Guests who sleep with burning lights 
Will scratch their own mosquito bites. 

VIII. As to departure : 

Guests who put John in a rage 
Will be sent home upon the stage ; 
And if they leave with bills unpaid. 
They'd better have their coffins made. 

15 



MORGAN. 

I am the ruler of the world. 

The sun in all its course ne'er sets 

On my domain. A mag-ic power 

Resides wiihin my vaults. I see, 

That scepters must be wrought of g"old; 

I g-et the gold, and therefore hold 

The rod 'neath which men bow. 

Far reaching 'long the lines of steel. 

Which interlace the country o'er, 

My will doth perineate the whole. 

The wheels of myriad factories 

Revolve or cease, as I mav beck. 

My locom fives tug and snort 

On every mountain side or plain. 

Across the ocean leap the ships, 

Which I have purchased at a stroke. 

Before me prone e'en monarchs bend ; 

They can not war without my gold. 

My faithful sergeants tread the halls 

Of congress, and there pass the laws 

The people think are theirs. Ha, ha! 

Let's see them pierce the Panama, 

If I oppose ! Oh, power sublime ! 

How grand to be a king ! But, ah ! 

The load grows heavier, as I age I 

These strikes ! these panics ! Men are wild I 

Can I be God and guide it all ? 

Oh, for the peace of mind and rest, 

That hover o'er the simple breast 

Of him who earns his crust each day 

And lets the world go on its way. 



INSTITUTE ROLL CALL. 

"Stand up, school-maams and masters, 
And prove that 3'ou are here ; 

16 



You're paid for being- present 
And now you must appear. 

You can't escape these lectures ; 

We do not grant you choice ; 
Stand up and call your numbers; 

Report by face and voice. ' ' 

At evening after battle, 

When silent are the guns, 

To call the roll of heroes 

And note the missing ones, 

Is noble, but the sergeant, 
Who scans the list to ask: 

"Was there a stray deserter?'^ 
Has quite another task. 

Behold a table loaded 

With viands rich and rare 
And hunsfry mortals waiting 

To get each one his share; 
The host stands up triumphant 

Above his brimming bowl 
And says with scowling eyebrows : 

"We now will call the roll." 

And thrice each day repeated, 

Lest someone should slip through, 
At unexpected moments 

This trap is sprung on you ; 
And all, that certain persons 

Unworthy of the pains 
Should be compelled to revel 

In a feast for cultured brains. 



SWINGING ROUND THE CIRCLE. 

Over mountains, through the valleys 
'Cross the Mississippi plain, 

From Atlantic to Pacific, 
Rolls the presidential train; 
17 



Resting- on Olympia's sofas, 
Grandest of earth's potentates. 

Monarch in a great republic, 

William swing's around the states. 

Fawning- courtiers crowd about him, 

Ladies, valets, barbers, cooks. 
Everything- to please his fancy, 

Spice his palate, spruce his looks. 
Thanks to portly railroad mag-nates 

Laying- skidlets for a pull; 
When they tap their fine old barrels, 

William's cup runs brimming- full; 

Speechifying- at the stations, 

Telling what a land we'll be, 
When we've gobbled all the islands, 

And thus made their peoples free; 
Nothing though about the soldiers 

Dead and fest'ring 'neath the skies 
Of the pestilential tropics. 

Sacrificed to gain the prize; 

Pleading hard for "foreign markets." 

Not explaining how to leap 
Over monster tariff ramparts 

And an equilibrium keep; 
How to trade with other nations 

And shut out their products too, 
Is a dark Protection secret 

Hidden to the common view; 

Lauding high our starry banner, 

"Glorious emblem of the free," 
Silent on the constitution, 

That can not go over sea; 
Not a word upon the taxes 

Levied for the Spanish fight, 
Or the tricky Piatt amendment 

Burying freedom out of sight. 

18 



Better Jeffersonian plainness, 

Better simple honest toil, 
Better economic saving-, 

Than these wars with all their spoil ; 
Dumb indeed is that poor mortal. 

Who with open mouth will stand 
Dazzled by a railway pageant 

Sweeping- proudly throug-h the land. 



REVENGE. 



When blizzards howl around us 

And pile the roads with snow ; 
When every lung is coughing 

And every nose must blow; 
You're sure to ineet a smarty, 

Who'll wink his weather eye 
And tell you not to mind it; 

"Spring's coming by and by." 

I want to see that villain 

In Satan's grimy clutch 
And hear his hams a sizzling 

To beat the very Dutch; 
And midst his pains and tortures 

I'll catch his rolling eye 
And say; "Don't worry, brother, 

'Twill be cooler by and by." 



THE ROSEBUD ON THE HEATHER. 

[From the Gerniau of Goethe. J 

Spied a lad in morning's light 

A rosebud on the heather; 
'Twas so young and fairy-bright, 
He must run and view the sight; 

Joy they had together. 
Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud red, 

Rosebud on the heather. 

19 



spoke the lad : "I'll pluck you free. 
Rosebud on the heather." 

Said the rose: "I'll nettle thee, 

So that you'll remember me 
In all kinds of weather." 

Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud red, 
Rosebud on the heather. 

Rudely then the youth did pluck 
The rosebud on the heather; 

Deep in flesh a thorn was stuck, 

Moaned the lad in vain his luck; 
Suffered they together. 

Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud red, 
Rosebud on the heather. 



THE QERHAN NATIONAL SONG. 

Air: "God Save the King" and "America " From the GermatE^. 
of Heiiirich Harries, 1790. 

HAIL TO THEE, VICTOR CROWNED. 

Hail thou, whose noble brow 
Wears the green laurel now, 

Hail to thee, king ! 
High on thy shining throne 
Feel that great joy alone 
To be thy people's own 

Most worthy king. 

Not steed nor rider strong 
Holds fast the summits long. 

Where princes stand; 
Let love of country free. 
Love of thy people, be 
Firm rocks beneath the sea^ 

Foundations grand. 

20 



Oh, holy flame, still glow ! 
Let all the nations know, 

We love our land. 
Here stand we side by side, 
For thee, our love, our pride. 
Fight, bleed, whate'er betide, 

For thee we stand. 

Commerce and wisdom's lore 
Raise thou with spirit o'er 

Thy throne on high. 
For battles' noble deed 
Let laurel be the meed 
And ev'ry virtue freed 

Raise to the sky. 

To Frederick William then, 
Ruler and prince of men, 

Let praises ring I 
Feel on thy honored throne 
That highest joy alone 
To be thy peoples' own 

Most noble king. 



HIKE'S FAIRY. 



Pat and Mike stood a tallying one day, 

When a maid came along by the side of them; 
She was slender, a taper-like fay 

And passed in disdain somewhat wide of them. 
Says Pat: "Did ye e'er in yer loife 

See a woman so thin in the make of her?" 
"Sure I have; and indade it's me woife. 

That's more shlim; and I'd doi for the sake of her !' 
And he measured this maiden's physique 

From the chin clear down to the shoe of her : 
-"'Me woife," said he then, "is a freak, 

What's as thin, begor, as the two of her !" 

21 



THE LAUGHING SHEPHERD BOY. 

[From the German of Herman Vogel.] 

There was once a bonny shepherd boy, 

Who laug-hed the livelong- day, 
As 'neath the trees on a mossy cliff 

By his g-oat he idly lay. 

And whoever heaid him, hare, or fox. 

In the pines or rocky den, 
Laughed too; the fishking and watersprite 

Laughed over and over ag-ain. 

One day the watersprite slowly drew 

Her body out on the strand. 
And said : "Dear boy, you laug-h as were yours- 

A kingdom rich and grand !" 

Out rang the merry shepherd's voice : 

"Your wit has had a great fall ; 
I laugh, because I am just a boy. 

And not any king at all !" 



GOOD ADVICE FOR ENGLAND. 

[From the German in Kladderadatsch.J 

Lord Chamberlain to Transvaal goes, 

And what does he behold? 
A misery there and a depth of woes, 

That should make his blood run cold. 

A barren waste, a graveyard vast; 

'Twas once a blooming mead ; 
By fire and sword a land o'ercast, 

A land w^hich should be freed. 

Of wives and children war's behest 

Has twenty thousand born 
To death, while others hunger pressed 

Husband or father mourn. 



Full many a hero sinking- lay 
In his g-urg-ling- blood and warm, 

A lion fig-hting- hard at bay 

With the countless English swarm; 

And many sank down of the scions rare, 
Which England to war has sped; 

And now they're gazing in blank despair, 
The living upon the dead. 

Not alone with the conquered Boers will dwell 

The miseries dread of war; 
Ah, no; this dismal g-uest of hell 

Seeks the British home afar. 

From the field returned to England's shore 

Breadless are hosts of men ; 
Tommy Atkins finds himself no more 

The god of the upper ten. 

Poor fellows, they wander idly about. 

These hungry heroes and true; 
For Eng-land at present of sterling- is out 

To settle for wag-es due. 

Perhaps the g-enerals of high degree 

Compassion now may show. 
And feel for their comrades sympathy 

And let their scruples g-o. 

The leaders of the Boers are forth 

With vig-or, skill, and grace; 
Demand, ye English, equal worth 

From your commercial race ! 

Ho, Kitchener, Roberts, Butler, ho ! 

Learn wisdom of the Boer; 
Go begging, noble trio, go ! 

For England's soldier-poor! 

23 



OH, TIMES AND CUSTOMS! 

I hear, that the nations are fighting 

To settle a mere paltry claim; 
I'm sure they will burn in the righting 

Far more than th' amount of the same. 

I read, too, that Dewey is coaling. 

That into his battle-ships' hold 
Ten thousands of tons are rolling. 

While people are dying with cold. 

The great Standard Oil combination 

Doth Rockefeller's pockets expand 
So big, that for high education 

His love sweeps the whole blessed land. 

But the orphans and widows are burning 
Their wicks at both ends in the dark ; 

For the wages they just now are earning 
Are gulped by monopoly's shark. 

As they crouch in their rooms dark and coal-less, 
These children of suff'ring and toil, 

They dread, lest their God is soul-less, 
And blesses a corner in oil. 

Ye men, that control corporations. 
And steal away poverty's bread. 
Think not that with gifts and oblations 
. The curse may be turned from your head. 

The great laws of nature are certain. 
The man, who doth sin, must repent, 

In due time his thin silken curtain 
Into rags wall be fearfully rent. 

24 



THE GOOD PHYSICIAN. 

Midst the rattle and jam of a great city street 
Where safety depends upon sound limbs and fleet, 
A newsboy was crouching with face thin and pale 
Near a bundle of papers he was off' ring- for sale. 

A broker just leaving- his ticker and tape 

Looked down on the youth distorted in shape, 

And said: "What's the matter, my boy, you seem sad?" 

*'My hip's out of joint," was the answer he had. 

"How long-, my dear boy, have you suffered so?" 
"Ever since I was born," came the answer out slow ; 
And the look of despair, that upward was turned, 
Deep into the heart of the financier burned. 

"There's a doctor named Lorenz, who cures such as you 
Come over from Europe, they say, and if true. 
He shall see you and treat you, regardless of cost ; 
I'll settle the bill and count it not lost." 

"Oh, thank you sir ! How^ can I ever repay ? 

My whole life is yours from the first happy day. 

When I can run free and sell all around 

Like the rest of the boys,whohave always been sound." 

The newsboy went home with the broker that night, 
And slept in a bed so downy and white 
That he dreamed, up to heaven in clouds he was rolled. 
Where the angels bought papers and showered him 
with g-old. 

And that noble physician from over the sea 

With marvelous skill scientific and free. 

Like men famed in story has laid on his hand. 

And the cripple from birth was commanded to stand. 

And in all that mass of humanity dense, 
That surg-es and j 3stles you hither and hence, 
Not a face more ecstatic, a pupil more bright 
Looks out on the world than our newspaper sprite. 

25 



ON A WORNOUr HANDKERCHIEF. 

This rag- a direful story tells 

Of one who did procrastinate, 
Until the joyful wedding- bells 

Rang- out for hiin "Too late, too late!" 

No g-entle fingers ran its hem. 

Or stayed with love its g-aping- rents. 

No wife its downward course did stem; 

'Twas wrecked before dread blasts intense. 

Beware, oh youth, and let not slip 

Those g-olden hours, when you may find 

A rosy cheek, a ruby lip, 

A thimble, thread, and heart combined ! 



THE FUZE. 



Hast ever watched a youngster, as he bends 

To touch a match serenely to a fuze ? 
Hast seen him stand enrai)tured as it wends 

Its sputtering, sizzling way beneath his shoes? 
When at last the royal moment comes apace. 

And explodes with deaf'ning crack the charge 
confined, 
What a smile of satisfaction wreathes his face. 

As another from his bunch he doth unbind ! 

Well, in wider and in more important fields 

Burns a line of sputtering powder even now, 
And the world its careless eye benignly yields. 

Its curving mouth and smile-bewrinkled brow. 
First with troublous tarifi^s was the match applied, 

Which Columbia and the Kaiser set at odds; 
Then Irene, the meddling gunboat, was espied. 

Skipped away and dropped her anchor withthegods. 

26 



Prince Henry to the emerg-ency arose, 

And was banquetted with wine and foaming- beer,. 
While Alice broke a bottle on the nose 

Of the Meteor midst a hearty rousing cheer. 
But no sooner had the sizzling- ceased a bit, 

Than the Panther with her guns beg-an to roar. 
And the monument of Fritz the Great must sit 

Across the sea and wait till nineteen four. 

Then the Kaiser asked our navy to appear 

And grace the festal races o'tr at Kiel, 
But our President evolved a righteous fear, 

That for formal calls our Jackies had no zeal. 
And Dewey in a confidential talk 

Chanced to make an irritating- harsh remark, 
That our boats would whip the Germans in a walk,. 

If they ever for that object should embark. 

And so it sputters on, this threat'ning- fuze. 

As we read, we wonder daily, what is next ? 
It fills the columns full of snappy news, 

But keeps the Kaiser's feeling too much vexed. 
To stamp it out, would be a better plan. 

Ere it reaches to that dynamitic cell, 
Loaded ever in the heart of mortal man 

With its tears, its sighs, its blood and death and 
hell. 



THE WAY IT WORKS. 

The darkey goes to Tuskegee 

Mechanic arts to win. 
And Booker with official key 

Securely shuts him in; 
But when with woolly cranium full 

For work he looks about. 
Trades-unions pass their little bull, 

Which firmly shuts him out. 

27 



DON'T PLUCK THEn. 

Oh, spare the little wild flower, 
That turns its pretty face 

So smiling up to heaven, 
So full of gentle grace ! 

How drear our hills and valleys, 

How desolate the day, 
When all the brightest blossoms 

Shall disappear for aye I 

We walk out in the meadow 
And pull them by the root; 

We cut and tear and trample 
Beneath a ruthless foot. 

We hew down shrubs and climbers. 
We raze the roadside bare. 

And leave but dismal stubble. 
Where once were blossoms fair. 

So, one by one, these beauties 
Tliat long have met our eyes 

Are fading from the landscape — 
Each pines away and dies. 

Shall we not heed the future? 

Our children will have hearts; 
They'll yearn to beat in union 

With nature's deepest arts. 

Then spare the pretty wild flowers 
That blossom by the way ! 

Oh, let them bloom forever 
As now the}' do in May I 

28 



AN INCIDENT. 

As I went strolling- down the road, 
That leads to town from my abode, 

I met a lad, who sat in pride 

Upon a noble steed astride. 
His little sister sad and meek, 
With hot tears coursing- down her cheek. 

Trudged in the dusty road near by, 

Her chubby fist dug in her eye. 
I asked: "What may the matter be?" 
"I tant dit on the horse !'' said she. 

I raised her quickly up behind; 

Around the boy her arms entwined ; 
Her tears were dry, a laugh instead 
Amidst her dimpled cheeklets spread ; 

A pair of sun-burnt legs stuck out, 

And up arose a merry shout. 
"Hang tight!" said he, and off they flew 
Like arrow from an archer true. 

I watched them vanish o'er the hill. 

And, left to ponder lone and still, 
I thought, and spoke it out aloud: 
How quick the sun breaks through a cloud! 



OAKLAND, MD. 



Oakland, Oakland, land of the mountain glade I 
Where forests dense enwrap the town. 
And gurgling rills come tumbling down. 
Where rosy cheeks and foreheads brown 

Bloom out and never fade ! 

Oakland, Oakland, land of the heavens fair ! 
Where birds ecstatic trill their song, 
Where care is brief and joy is long. 
Where comes the city's weary throng 

To breathe ozonic air ! 

29 



Oakland, Oakland, land of the crystal spring! 
They bubble up in every dell. 
And forth their waters freely well 
The brooks and cataracts to swell 

And all a blessing- bring. 

Oakland, Oakland, land of the reaching- view ! 
From every beauteous mountain home 
Far far away the eye doth roam. 
Till oaken floor meets heavenly dome 

Of purest azure blue. 

Oakland, Oakland, land of the soul profound ! 
Where laughing maidens swarm the street, 
And sparkling eyes each other greet, 
Where hearts are warm and lips are sweet 

And weddings do abound ! 

Oakland, Oakland, land to the memory dear! 

Though you may wander far and wide 
• And dwell in mansions side by side 

With money-kings swelled up with pride, 
'Twill not your spirit cheer. 

But Oakland, Oakland, land of the roses red. 
Where honeysuckles sweet and wild 
Hold up their blossoms to the child. 
Who on the rolling crest beguiled 

His wandering steps has sped. 
Will cling to you, a vision rare. 
And draw 3^ou back in memory where 
You passed those days without compare 

On nature's beauty fed. 



30 



THE AUTOMOBILE 

Tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuft', tuff, tuft\ tuff ! 

Lively there! Save yourself! Clear the vva}' ! Skip 
Look to your horses ! Get out your whip ! 
Steady your ribbons ! Tighten your grip ! 
Here conies the latest infernal machine. 
Puffing- along with its fumes of benzine ! 

Tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff ! 

See it go whizzing by ! Dizzy the speed ! 

On like a whirlwind, far in the lead ! 

Sputtering vehicle minus a steed ! 
Honking a warning blast, pneumatic wheel, 
Nerve-racking, horse-killing automobile ! 

Tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff ! 

Oh, what a hurry the people are in ! 

Life is a tempest of hustle and spin ; 

Speed is the thing you must have, if you win ; 
Tuff-a-tuff, tuff-a-tuff, flying you go, 
Any way, every way, only not slow ! 

Tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff, tuff ! 

Fate holds the lever, the bulb and the brake ; 

Fortune, society, all is at stake; 

Suicides, murder trials, hell in its wake ; 
Merrily roll along — then with a lunge 
Into the gulf of eternity plunge ! 



THE REINA CHRISTINA. 

They've raised the good Christina 

In far Manila Bay, 
Where midst the ooze and sea-weed 

Forgotten there she lay, 
With fifteen shell-holes in her 

Hull of rusted steel 
And eighty putrid bodies 

Above her sunken keel. 

31 



Upon that fatal morning 

She bravely faced the foe 
And steamed into the tempest 

Of fire and death and woe. 
Shell after shell went through her. 

Her helm was no avail, 
Her men were swept from action 

Like dust before the hail. 
"Steer her by hand !" resounded, 

And then her mast went down, 
A shell burst in her cabin, 

Where the wounded succor found; 
Down came her flag and ensign, 

Smoke clouded every eye. 
There was naught to do but "scuttle' 

And save yourself or die. 
Down to her rest she floundered, 

Where fishes swim around 
And look with eyes wide open 

In wonderment profound. 
But now again she's lifted 

Benealh the heavens blue, 
To let her victors glory 

In vaunting pagans new. 
Alas to thee, Hispania, 

That honor held for aye. 
Which led thee forth to struggle 

With the Samson of to-day 1 



DOXEY. 

The poets may sing of their fairies, 
Taper-waisted, fragile, and slim. 

Of girls, which they call "little darlings," 
With graceful and willowy limb; 

But I am in love with a big one, 

Whose waist I can hardly reach round ; 

32 



My g"irl is robustful and healthy, 

And weighs just two hundred pound I 
She's no fairy; she's no sprite ; 
But she's my darling- and she's all right ! 
When the little ones fade like the lilies 

And take their place under the sod, 
My girl will be happy and kicking 
As plump as a pea in a pod I 

The American people are failing; 

They are growing "too light in the beam;" 
The women are shaping their figures 

To match the Parisian regime ; 
It is time that we men were protesting, 

And that is the reason that I 
Fell in love most tumultuous with Doxey, 

The sweetest girl under the sky. 
She's no fairy; she's no dream ; 
But she's my darling, and she's pure cream. 
She never stuffs out her apparel 

With padding and crinoline things ; 
She carries an honest expansion 

As round as Saturnian rings. 

I do not know much about Heaven, 

Or how the dear angels will fly ; 
But I am sure it will take several feathers 

To waft my Doxey on high. 
But she's going, of that I am certain ; 

For in all her two hundred pound 
There is not one ounce of poor matter. 

Not a mite but is morally sound. 
She's no fairy; she's no saint ; 
But she's my darling, and does not paint. 
I will sing of my treasure forever. 

Of my pearl, of my soul, of my life I 
And, if ever I'm able to lift her, 

I'll make her my big, bouncing wife! 

33 



LET THE GODS ARBITRATE. 

The fire fiend hovers o'er the east! 

The forests are ablaze ! 
The air is thick with stifling- smoke, 

And everywhere a haze. 

All dry and parched the pastures lie ; 

The springes have ceased to flow ; 
And over hill and valley sounds 

The cattle's hungry low. 

The farmer's heart is in despair; 

He's standing- sad and g-lum 
And gazing- vainly at the sky; 

The rain-cloud will not come ! 

But in the west the floods are rife; 

Old Mississippi's breast 
Is swelled so full, her levees fail 

The torrents to arrest. 

O'er town and country unrestrained 

The cruel waters sweep. 
And helpless mothers take their broods 

And float upon the deep. 

Dread hunger follows close in train. 

And pestilential blight 
Completes the list of dismal foes, 

These cohorts of the night ! 

How strange to see in one domain 
Such opposite behest ! 
While Agni burns New England's hills 
Old Pluvius drowns the west ! 

Oh, that these gods might make a truce 

And molify their ires; 
Hold up some water from the plains. 

To put out forest fires ! 

34 



THE COW=BELLS. 



"Ting- a long-, ding dong, ting a long, ting ! 
Hark! On the mountain the cow-bells ring ! 

Little the farmer knows guiding the plow 

What to my heart is the sight of a cow I 
Milk from a hydrant minus any cream 
Is far from fulfilling life's bright youthful dream I 

Ting- along, ding dong, ting a long, ting ! 

This is the sound of the genuine thing ! 

Ting a long, ding dong, ting a long, ting! 
Soon as the tenderest grasses of spring 

Push up their juicy blades out of the ground 

Comes the meek, hard-breathing bossy around ; 
Nip, nip, nip, nip, down in the glade; 
This is the way yellow butter is made. 

Ting- a long, ding dong, ting a long, ting! 

Wealth to her owner she'll steadily bring. 

Ting a long, ding dong, ting a long, ting! 
JBother the flies ! How tightly they cling ! 

Now and again she throws round her head 

And stamps in the mud with uneasy tread ; 
'Then energetically the little bell swings, 
JVnd more emphatically the symphony sings: 

Ting a long, ding dong, ting a long, ting ! 

List to the cow-bell's impatient ring ! 

Homeward at evening she wends lier slow way. 
Cropping the grass, wherever she may,. 

Worried by barking curs, urged on by boys, 

Leaving behind every pest that annoys, 
Patiently following out Nature's wise plan, 
Serving- her purpose, a blessing to man. 

Ting- a long, ding dong-, ting a long-, ting ! 

There's cheer to the soul in the cow-bell's ring ! 

35 



HE, WHO THINKS HE KNOWS IT ALL, 
KNOWS NOTHING. 

The preacher is of all the world 

The person least believed, 
For he pretends to understand 

What cannot be conceived. 

And while he flounders in the sea 
Of nature's vast unknown, 

He fails to learn the simplest truths 
By ever}' wayside sown. 



LEO XIII. 

Oh, let me die in peace ! 

Wh}^ skan my every breath ? 
I hate those bulletins, 

That advertise my death ! 

Forbear your useless drug-s. 
And lay aside your knife; 

'Tis foolish to prolong- 
A worn-out, ebbing- life ! 

Drive off the murmuring throngs, 
That g-ather there below; 

Give me a quiet hour, 
Before my soul must g-o! 

On every side I feel 

The g-aze of piercing- eyes; 
They watch my slig-hest move, 

As 'twere a golden prize. 

I hear the eager quest, 

Who shall my follower be? 

The parties draw their lines, 
Before thej^'re rid of me I 

36 



Oh, happy is the boor, 
Who peacefully may lie 

Within his little home, 

When comes his time to die ! 

All care has passed away; 

With soft hand sweetly pressed 
He sinks serenely off 

Into eternal rest. 

But I — the world, it seems. 

Has stopped to hear me groan, 

And pry into my dreams. 
And listen to my moan. 

Oh, let me die in peace ! 

'Tis time the bell should toll ! 
'Twill be a sweet surcease 

To a weary, burdened soul! 



GENERAL MILES' RIDE. 

You've read how Phillip Sheridan 
From Winchester came riding? 

And also, how one Paul Reviere 
The news came bravely tiding"? 

But hark ! Those cheers at peep o'day 

Before the sun is seen! Oh, 
He's away, our hero gray! 

He's off for old Fort Reno! 

He caught a fall; it barked his calf; 

"A scratch!" he said, and mounting 
Rode on again with merry laugh. 

Meanwhile the milestones counting. 

Eight lusty horses, one by one, 

Came into requisition; 
ant still he sat at evening sun 

Serene in his position. 



In ten straig-ht hours full ninety miles 

He covered without stopping- 
Across a country, where erst whiles 

Big Indians he was popping. 

And why, you ask, this tiresome ride ? 

Don't go and misconstrue it! 
'Twas just to satisfy liis pride, 

To prove, that he could do it. 

These old campaigning g-rounds, indeed,. 

To him are interesting-; 
For soon from duty he'll be freed 

And in retirement nesting-. 

But then suppose the Democrats 
Should call him out next summer! 

He'd want them all to swing their hats 
And shout: "He is a hummer!" 

The man who faces Theodore 
Must strong be and ing-enuous, 

Clear-headed, firm, and, what is more^ 
Of disposition strenuous. 

In Nelson's case, you clearly see, 

For 'tis a simple matter. 
Whatever else, there'll surely be 

No doubt about the latter. 



PIUS X. 

Farewell, beloved Venice 
Sw^eet queen upon the sea! 

I leave thee now forever; 
I am no longer free ! 

A prisoner in St. Peter's 
My soul will long for thee, 

Where on my soft gondola 
So happy I might be ! 

38 



That heart-to-heart communion 
With souls bowed low in pain 

Is lost for the tiara, 

The symbol of my reig^n ; 

Weig-hed down by cares and worry 
My life now leads away 

Into the world's vast network 
Of spiritual affray. 

Goodby, beloved Venice, 
Sweet queen upon the sea ! 

Thy g-raceful mirrored beauty 
Is but a dream to me ! 



THE CHESTNUT TREE. 

Oh, chestnut tree, dear chestnut tree! 
What tales mig-ht lightly fall from thee I 
'Twas 'neath thy lowly drooping- limbs, 
Which shaded us from sun and sight. 
We romped so free from social whims 

Of what the world calls wrong and right. 

Oh, chestnut tree, dear chestnut tree ! 
How happy were we then and free ! 
Below the glistening waters shone; 

Above the clouds passed softly o'er; 
Her throbbing heart was near mine own, 

A precious weig-ht I gladly bore. 

Oh, chestnut tree, dear chestnut tree! 

Thy drooping form still clings to me, 

Though far away those idle days 

Have floated on into the past. 
While fate leads us by parted ways 

That bring- us home to earth at last ; 
Oh, chestnut tree, dear chestnut tree ! 
How oft my heart goes back to thee ! 

39 



WHY SHAHROCK III WILL WIN. 

Scarce had Sir Thomas safely tied 
Upon our shore his latest pride, 

Which he had just brought over, 
Than one of our fair maidens bright 
Inside a letter folded tight 

Sent him a four-leaved clover ! 

And when the races are complete, 
Our brave Reliance nicely beat, 

And Shamrock winner — May be — 
Remember that at Buffalo 
When people formed a big long row 
Their admiration warm to show, 

Sir Lipton kissed a baby 1 



BEWARE! 



To avoid domestic strife 

You must behave as you "oughter," 
And be '"ore your second wife 

Never dare to kiss her daughter. 



CON AMOUR. 



From out the sunny south there flies 

A little missive straight to me ; 
And, can I trust my doubting eyes ? 
Is't really true? Can I be sure? 
Am I a-dream, or do I see 
Con amour ? 'Tis con amour I 

And just below, the sweetest name ! 

'Tis also written on my heart! 
Oh, rest forever there the same! 

In memory pure O, rest secure ! 

Though we may ever dwell apart. 

Yet con amour! Yes, con amour! 

40 



•'MIT LIEBE." 

Zuerst schreibst du Franzoesisch dann 
In deutlichem Deutsche schickst mir hin 

Zwei suesse Woerter; ach ! wie kann 
Ich wissen, was verbirg^t darin? 



AT WORK AS USUAL. 

His wife awoke and listened long-, 

Then softly shook her spouse, 
And whispered: "Dear there's something wrong-. 

And it's inside the house ! 
Footsteps I hear, which tread and tread 

And never seem to pass I" 
' O, go to sleep!" the husband said; 

"The meter's measuring gas! 



THE BOY WHO DIDN'T GO. 

It was Friday morn and Buffalo Bill 

Was due at the county seat. 
Boy after boy spun alon.,' the road 

With dizzy, revolving feet. 

And some were prodding old spavined steeds 

To exert their utmost power: 
For every lad was longing at heart 

To arrive at an early hour. 

And, watching them p :ss, 'gainst a telephone pole 

Leaned a sad despondent boy; 
His father had preached him a long discourse 

And dampened his youthful joy. 

41 



He had told his son to g-o to school 

And never omit a day 
From the stern and regular course of life, 

That leads to success straight away. 

But the lad stood there by the telephone pole 

Absorbed in the deepest thought. 
"Gee whiz!" he exclaimed; "I'll try that bull, 

What pa from the drovier just bought !" 

Then he fixed up a rope and threw it so true 

That it caug-ht the beast by the horn ; 
Which bellowed and plung-ed and yanked the poor kid 

All over a field of corn. 

His scratches and cuts kept him housed for a time, 

And when he healed up at last. 
His father discovered, that in all the school 

His son alone had not "passed." 

Then he pK>ndered : Perhaps in the grind of things 

A circus-day once in a-while 
May not come amiss to the soul of a boy; 

And the thoug-ht hatched a generous smile. 

He took from his wallet three ten-dollar bills 

And proposed to his son this plan, 
That since he had missed seeing Buffalo Bill, 

He might go to the Buffalo Pan. 



WAR! 

Just listen to the battle's roar 
That g-athers 'round brave Theodore 

Who now is under fire 
With reference to the frigid way 
He named the sad eventful day, 

When Nelson should retire ! 

42 



On board the Kearsarg-e see, afight 
Doth rag^e tumultuous day and nig-ht — 

Forgot the Alabama — 
'Tis o'er the puzzling- question deep, 
Shall Jack henceforth in nig-ht-g-own sleep, 

Or in the g-ay pajama? 



RELIANCE. 



Hail, hail to thee. Reliance, 

Swift bird of sea and air ! 
With breast upon the billows 

And wing-s to heavens fair 
Spread wide to catch and g-arner 

Victorious breezes there, 
Thou art a rapturous picture 

Of moving beauty rare ! 

Away across the breakers 

She skims her course, and see ! 
How deftly now the Shamrock 

Is caught within her lee ! 
She thrashes through the white-caps 

She tuins the distant buoy, 
And home amidst the tumult 

She flies, a thing of joy ! 

Alas, to thee. Sir Lipton, 

A sportsman staunch and true ! 
If any man could lift it. 

The cup w^ovild go to you ; 
But 'gainst the yacht, Reliance, 

Her skipper and her crew, 
There's not a boat a sailing 

That little trick can do ! 

43 



THE SONG. 

[From the German of A. G. Marius.] 

A lyric verse the world around 
Went lonesome on its way, 

For no companionship it found 
Its sadness to allay. 

Then music came with joyful tone 

A tripping- lig-htly by, 
And bending- g-ently, kissed its own 

And off with it did fiv. 



A SHIP FROM THE PHILLIPINES. 

The Kilpatrick is in from Manila ; 

Her deck is covered with men, 
Who can see in the crowd wives and children, 

Which fate lets them meet once ag-ain ! 
But below, in the hold, in tig-ht cases. 

Hermetically sealed from our v.ew. 
Are the boys, who have not been so lucky; 

And they number three hundred and two! 

The men still alive leap the railing- 

And swing- themselves down on the dock 
To cover with kisses dear faces 

And soft loving- forms to enlock ; 
But the boys packed away in their coffins 

Move not, thoug-h a little voice cries: 
"Oh dear, I cannot see my papa !" 

And a woman in black hides her eyes. 

It is thus, as we g-obble the islands 

And all 'round the world try to spread, 
That the ships will sail back to our harbors 

With their carg-oes of living- and dead ! 
The Kilpatrick should set us to thinking-; 

As a sample, at least, she will do ; 
Three hundred and fifteen above-board. 

And below, three hundred and two! 
44 



THE DIVINER. 

He stalks along- the hillsides green 

With slow and measured pace, 
And dark mysterious smiles are seen 

To ramble o'er his face. 
Unto the peasants standing round 

He speaks of magnetism, 
Words with a dark bewildering sound, 

Much like their catechism. 

They mutely watch his willow crotch, 

As it seeks for water; 
Down she goes toward his toes 

Exactly as he taught her. 
He can tell just how low 

They will have to dig for 
A first-class well; they don't know 

What he has that twig for. 

A little twist of thumb or wrist 

Moves it to his liking-; 
When test is made with pick and spade 

The effect is somewhat striking ; 
The water flows — he packs and g-oes, 

And takes along his wages, 
And much discussed is still the trust 

Of boys and grey-haired sag-es. 



THE TIPPLERESS. 



She sat in her bed with a recumbent head 
And blushed like a newly-blown tulip; 

And highly amused, a novel perused, 

While she sipped now and then a mint julep. 

45 



Her round figure free in sweet lingerie 

Indented the snowy white pillows, 
And floating away the coverlet lay 

In rapturous deep rolling billows. 

And thus she read on, till the pages anon 
Mixed themselves in a blur of confusion, 

And the story then teemed, as wierdly she dreamed,!' 
With wild fascinating illusion. 

The hero was real; his love was ideal, 
And she was the soul of his passion; 

Oh, the ecstatic bliss of that julep-born kiss ! 
'Twas a joy of a marvelous fashion ! 

She will not awake, till morning shall break, 
And the spell of the cordial doth banish ; 

Then, ho, for the prize, which shall all realize, 
Ere the charm of the vision doth vanish ! 



THE DESERTED HOUSE. 

Just behind the towering gables of a rich and noble 
home 
Rising proudly 'gainst the sky in bold relief, 
Hides the tumble-down reminder of a cot, that once 
was filled 
With the pulse of life in all its joys and grief. 
The window-panes are broken, for the crash of break- 
ing glass 
llJMakes the heart of vandal boys with rapture leap, 
And you find upon the panels of the loosely hanging 
door 
The names of young immortals sculptured deep. 

46 



The bricks upon the cliimney have begun their down- 
ward course, 
The knob is off the handle of the bell. 
And the bucket, which so often rose to cheer the 
thirsty soul. 
Is lying at the bottom of the well. 
The flowers, that once were cultured with a soft and 
genile hand, 
Have spread and filled the little garden space; 
With their sisters from the pasture they are bloom- 
ing once again 
In their primitive, unfettered, charming grace. 

All about the old veranda, where young lovers used 
to sit 
And the sweets of life's communion give and take. 
Run the climbers in confusion, and beneath the rotten 
floor 
You can hear the gliding body of a snake. 
The corner stones and mortar are all crumbling out 
of place 
But a soft and verdant moss is creeping o'er; 
Seems as if a loving Nature is just drawing back her 
own 
To a mother's breast, where they have slept before. 

How I love to take the children and go strolling 
'round this spot, 
Stirring up the toads and spiders, as we pass, 
And O, the shouts and laughter, when a-sudden they 
espy 
A rabbit bounding long-eared through the grass! 
Sad it is, to see the structures, which we cherish so 
in life 
By a slow disintegration sink away; 
But how kind, that o'er the ruins Nature folds her 
velvet robe 
Bringing forth such fair creations from decay J 

47 



THE RHEIN=WINE TOPER. 

[From the Germau of Karl Muechler.] 

Down in a cellar here I sit 

Upon a cask of fine wine; 
I feel in just the proper mood 

To drink me full of Rhein-wine ! 
The faucet pours its current out, 

When e'er I take a notion, 
Fills me a glass and so I drink 

And drink, and drink an ocean I 

I'm plagued by that old devil Thirst; 

But I know how to scat him ; 
I just fill up a mug- with wine 

And shake it bravely at him ! 
The roses bloom again for me. 

My soul no more is sinking. 
And joy alone fills all the world; 

I drink and keep on drinking ! 

But, ah, my thirst is growing worse 

For every glass I swallow; 
The more I fill me to the brim. 

The more I feel I'm hollow ! 
But when at last from ofi^ my perch 

I tumble, I'm a thinking, 
That everything will be all right; 

And so I'll keep on drinking! 



THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

Close to her youthful, throbbing heart 
Columbia holds a work of art. 
And to Europa makes her bow 
And begs consideration now. 

48 



From Arlington or soldiers' Home, 
Wherever pilgrims chance to roam, 
Seems like a distant fiery gnome 
The radience of its golden dome. 

Old Neptune, once the God of sea, 
Holds court at last among the free. 
And midst the fountain's gentle play 
His plunging horses forge their way. 



On inlaid floors you softly tread 
With arching frescoes overhead, 
And all around like forest glades 
Are polished marble colonnades. 



Historic scenes and mythic lore 
Delight yovir vision o'er and o'er, 
And names of poets, gods and men, 
Whose deeds are worthy, human ken. 



Amidst the busy passing throng, 
That press its echoing halls along, 
The common workman oft doth nudge 
The senator or honored judge. 



Beneath the great rotunda's dome 
The silent reader cons his tome 
Nor cares for Folly's foibles more 
While paying court at Wisdom's door. 



Long may this peaceful temple stand 
A fount of blessing for our land, 
And may Minerva banish far 
The harsh and bloody God of war. 

49 



A PRIHARY. 

A flock of crows were sitting- on the dead limbs of 
an oak, 
As Bessie and her father rode along; 
The sharp eyes of the little girl were watching- ere 
she spoke, 
And she listened to their harsh discordant song-. 
Her father dipped in politics, and often he would tell 

The doing-s of his underling's to Bess; 
And so she laug-hed out brig-htly as they rolled down 
throug-h the dell : 
Say, papa, that's a caucus there, I g-uessi" 



AHOROUS UNCLE SAH. 

To the world a babe is born I 

Hip, hurrah ! 
In that crooked rocky horn 

Of Panama ! 
Uncle Sam at once attends. 
Kind assistance aweetly lends ; 
Is it strang-e he thus befriends? 

He's the pa ! 



He was planning- for a ditch 

Through the neck, 
When there seemed to be a hitch — 

A sort of check — 
But the natives made a stand, 
Took the thing- themselves in hand. 
Put that wished-for strip of land 

At his beck. 



50 



"Welcome to the nation's roll !" 

(Hear the fox !) 
They expect to g-ather toll 

At the docks; 
By the time they're in their teens 
They'll be eating- Boston beans, 
Wearing- blue Kentucky jeans 

And yankee socks. 



Fair Pacific isles he saw 

In the west, 
Stretches now his long- left paw 

To its best, 
And with pressure firm and slow 
He will fold his ancient foe. 
Mountain-ribbed old Mexico 

To his breast. 



With his rig-ht he would embrace 

Ha, ha, ha ! 
Maid of Franco-English race, 

Canada ; 
But, alas, she's in a pet 
Over land she failed to get 
When the Alaskan line was set 

By her ma ! 



To the south are other maids. 

Lovely too ! 
None of your ancient wrinkled jades 

Of faded hue ; 
Uncle Sam will lead them all 
Into his big- republican hall, 
And be the cock of this earthly ball 

Before he's through ! 

51 



TIT FOR TAT. 

A preacher and a teacher 

To Euterpe offered suit; 
The parson played the violin, 

The pedagog the flute. 

The schoolmaster g-rew witty 
And smiled in quiet glee, 

Remarking- to the clergyman : 
"You're just a fiddle D. D." 

Back came a quick rejoinder, 

Which squelched the funny fluter 

"What better then are you, 
You good for nothing tutor?" 



SKATING ON VERY THIN ICE. 

In the cold chilly days of December, 

When the mercury went down below, 
We boys used to tramp, I remember, 

Away through the deep drifting snow, 
To find a good place on the river, 

Where the surface was glary and nice; 
Oh, how our young hearts used to quiver,. 

As we skated on very thin ice ! 

In my rambles from nation to nation, 

x\bout this bit of a sphere 
I have made a close observation, 

Of folks who "get left in the rear." 
Without wasting your time in debating. 

Let me whisper a little advice; 
You can't be too careful, when skating, 

When skating on very thin ice. 

52 



The duke who marries an heiress 

To pay off his debts with her tin, 
Had better look out, or he'll fare as 

The fool, who skates rig-ht over in. 
When she finds that her shrewd g-ame of 
mating- 

Has cost her an eleg-ant price. 
He'll find that he's only been skating, 

Been skating- on very thin ice. 



The man who g-oes carelessl3^ sparking 

A woman, who now has a spouse. 
Had better be carefully marking- 

The storm he is likely to rouse; 
"While he takes not a thought of the morrow, 

And his g-ame works "as slick as a mice," 
He finds all at once to his sorrow, 

That he's skating- on very thin ice. 

Let the preacher, who pushes his nose in 

To matters concerning- the town, 
'Be careful how deeply he goes in. 

Or 'twill topple his Reverence down. 
It may tickle his self estimation. 

To shake the political dice. 
But too much cerebal inflation 

Is risky on very thin ice. 



There are Congressmen skating in glory 

On the floor of our capitol halls. 
Who come 'neath the veil of my story 

And are hazarding dangerous falls; 
While they throw to the people, when speaking, 

A hand-full of flattering rice. 
They hear not the ominous creaking 

Of the hard-strained and rubbery ice. 



Oh yes, there are thousands of brothers^ 

Who fearlessly strap on their skates 
And strike out to show all the others 

How to g-racefully cut figure-eights; 
But one thing- is often forgotten, 

As each makes his special device. 
To see, whether solid or rotten 

And how thick is the coating of ice? 



THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEiVl^ 

When Ollie James was one day asked 

To place in juxtapose 
Our Ex and Acting Presidents, 

He calmly scratched his nose. 
And said : "While Grover is so tired 

To hunt is 'gainst his wish. 
Our Teddie is so strenuous 

He cannot bear to fish." 



NOT SO FAST THIS TlflE. 

When Roberts from the Lake of Salt 

To Washington did roam, 
A crowd of women called a halt 

And sent him right back home. 

But Smoot doth calmly sit and smile; 

For the Senate moves so sow. 
That the ladies' hats go out of style, 

Before they make him go ! 



CHRISTMAS VACATION, 1903. 

The Senators are resting now; 

They've done the best they could. 
They'll soon resume with furrowed brow 

Their job of sawing Wood. 

54 



RING VERSUS BLOW. 



In years g-one by Lord Tennyson 

Of New-year bells would sing- 
And line by line he'd call on them 

To ring-, ring-, ring ! 

But now a sudden midnig-ht thrill 

Sends home its twinge of woe ; 
You wake to hear those whistles shrill, 

That blow, blow, blew ! 

On every key from a to g- 

A deafening- wail they scream, 
Unearthly blast of sound aghast 

Poured fourth by hissing- steam ! 

They tell of the busy whirring- wheels, 

Of the man, that never swerves 
From his daily toil, though oft he feels 

The ache of yielding nerves. 

They tell of the blind and desperate chase 

After gold in this land of ours, 
And the long enduring stubborn race 

Of industrial warring powers. 

But let us have more of the old-time heart. 

That forces us to sing, 
And more of the cry for the New-year bells 

To ring, ring, ring ! 

Give us rest from the strife of this strenuous life 

With its furnaces aglow. 
Which e'en in the night our spirits fright 

And blow, blow, blow ! 

55 



UNCLE SAM. 

Which may be sung to the tuue of Dixie. 

There's a man, who is loved in the land of cotton, 
And away up north he will never be forgotten ; 

Uncle Sam, Uncle Sam, Uncle Sam is the man! 
He's the man, who owns from Atlantic to Pacific, 
A g-rand old farm, most rich and prolific ; 
Uncle Sam, etc. 

Three cheers for his old trousers ! Hurrah ! Hur- 
rah! 
His name shall roll from pole to pole; 
We'll fig-ht for him, the dear old soul ! 
Hip, hurrah ! Hip, hurrah I Hip, hurrah for Uncle 
Samuel ! [Bis] 

He smiles on the girls, is a little bit frisky; 

He smokes and he chews, is a judge of good whiskey; 

Uncle Sam, etc. 
He is quick, he is slick, mighty sharp in a dicker; 
He's handy with his fists and an awful hard kiclcer ; 

Uncle Sam, etc. 

Three cheers for his old coat-tails ! etc. 

For the boy, who comes from the isle of Erin, 
Or Fritz with his mug to pour lager beer in. 

Uncle Sam, etc. 
He's the man, who can gather up the whole creation, 
And make of us all a whoppin' big nation; 

Uncle Sam, etc. 

Three cheers for his old stove-pipe ! etc. 



TOKENS. 

They breathe of love, these gentle flowers, 

We spread upon his bier, 
Sweet symbols of the noble powers. 

That won us year by year. 

56 



The}^ breathed of love upon her breast 

But yesterday a bride, 
And sweeter than to all the rest 

To him, her shield and guide. 

They fade as breaks the mystic tie, 
Which made two natures one; 

Hope, happiness, and flowers die, 
As sinks a settini^- sun. 



CHANGED HIS MIND SINCE. 

Said Johnny to his mammy: 
"When I shall married be, 

I'll be the head and master 
Of all my family !" 

Said Mammy then to Johnny 
With meaning- deep and sage: 

"That's what your papa fancied, 
When he was of your age." 



A WINTER FLASH LIGHT 

'Tis midnight in the city and the j>eopledraw within; 

The mercury is thirty-five below; 
The wind is howling wildly and the pavement's usual 
din 

Is muffled by a cloak of dirty snow. 

Upon a wretched pallet in an attic roc m bereft 
Of all the things, that cheer a sinking soul. 

Alone a boy is dying, for his mother has just left 
To beg the neighbors for a hod of coal. 

57 



He feels the dread pneumonia sapping- all his life 
away; 
He shivers, as the dismal spectre nears ; 
There is nothing-, that can solace, but to raise his 
eyes and pray 
To his Father, who can banish all his fears. 

He g-azes at the ceiling-, while he folds his little hands, 
And offers up this simple heart-felt prayer: 

"Oh, God, when I am dead and g-one to happier, holier 
lands, 
Please give me all the fire, that you can spare ! 



IF THE DEVIL SHOULD GIVE IT UP ! 

Ever since our dear parents in fair Eden's g-rove 
With the wiles of a serpent disastrously strove, 
'Tis said that a battle has been on the g-o 
'Twixt Jehovah on high and his nibs down below. 

I've been pondering- some on this theory deep. 
And have wondered indeed, why the good Lord should 
keep 
A devil nearby to oppose his own plan 
Of making- a saint out of obstinate man ! 

And the query comes home with a terrible force. 

Suppose once that Sa'an should alter his course, 

And, weary of strug-g-ling- with ang-els of lig"ht. 

Should take a rash notion to g"ive up the fight? 

There'd be g-ladness of heart in each erring- boy ; 

Poor sinners would send up a paean of joy ; 

But certain brig-ht prospects doomed surely to fail 
Would bring- from some quarters a sorrowful wail. 

58 



The parson bemoaning- his fate you would find, 
For up g-oes his business like dust in the wind ! 
With the devil omitted he rises to preach 
And finds that the bottom hasdropt out of his speech T 

For g-ood missionaries, who sail o'er the wave, 
The heathen from dark misconceptions to save, 
There'd be no demand, since from Satan relieved 
It would be immaterial as to what they believed. 

And what would our strong--minded women then do? 

There would be no more need that your Wife C. T. U» 
For without any devil, nobody can think, 
That a man would befog-g-le his noddle with drink. 

The Salvation Army would be minus a job ; 

Those Church Book Concerns of their profits 'twould 
rob ; 
The priest at confession no more souls could shrive, 
And he'd soon miss the boodle, that keeps him alive. 

And alas, we would have no kind fellow to take 
All the blame for our deeds and smart for our sake ; 
Forbearing- old Devil ! He never complains I 
The whole world reviles, but his patience remains I 

No, no, your Majesty, stick to the fight! 

Good folks need resistance to spur up their mig-ht ; 

Without any devil we'd all g-o to sleep ; 

The world would be dull — too insipid to keep ! 



59 



YANKEE DOODLE UP TO DATE. 



There is a land, that doth expand 

With slow and steady motion; 
Her flag- now flies in tropic skies 

Across the western ocean ! 

Yankee Doodle — fill 3^our cup; 

Yankee Doodle-dandy ! 
Everybody whoop her up 

For Yankee Doodle-dandy ! 

When we came here there did appear 

A howling- mob of red-men; 
^'Just g-o way back, you devils black!" 

Is what our fathers said then. 

We next did pull from Johnny Bull 

The swaddling cords asunder. 
And turned about in glee to shout; 

"Now you may go to thunder!" 

To Mexico we marched, and lo. 

She lost her darling Texas ! 
Both Spain and France were made to dance 

When they essayed to vex us. 

We missed it once and like a dunce 

We went ourselves to fighting; 
But now it's past; we're healing fast, 

And everything^ is righting. 

Not long- ag-o, that we might show 

Our vim was not abating, 
We freed the isle of Cuba, while 

The rest were merely waiting. 

60 



Oh, have 3^ou heard, how Eng-land stirred 

To wrath her loved Dominion, 
When on that "line" she did incline 
' To favor our opinion? 

When Russia proud too hard doth crowd 

Upon the coast of Asia, 
A note from Hay comes into play 

With force that doth amaze ye ! 

From sea to sea we soon shall be 

That ship canal a digging-, 
And then will ring, as sailors sing 

On high amidst the rigging, 

Yankee Doodle--fill your cup! 

Yankee Doodle-dandy ! 
Everybody whoop her up 

For Yankee Doodle-dandy ! 



SOCIALISn. 



Said the Socialistic father to his rapt attentive son: 
You must hate the bloated capitalist through life ; 

But, if circumstances favor and the lady can be won, 
You may love his only daughter as a wife ! 



THE RISE OF MAN. 

At first he lived a child of chance, 
A slave to fraud and necromance. 

The world in myst'ry wrapped around, 
His mind in superstition bound. 

But as the centuries rolled along. 
His heart burst forth in joj^ous song. 
For deep within his nature lay 
A force that drove vile ghosts away. 

61 



Eg-yptian priests enslaved his thoug-ht, 
But Grecian schools his freedom sought 
A cloud of darkness floated o'er, 
But Science found another shore, 

Where bloss'ming intellect supreme 
Shall realize his wildest dream. 
At last he wields the mighty rod 
Of thought, and seems almost a God. 



WAR. 

'Tis come at last, the fearful clash 

Of races crowding in the east! 

With slow resistless motion on 

Across the vast Siberian wilds 

The tireless Russian spreads his reahn 

And binds it with long- rods of iron. 

He seeks the sea for commerce dear 

And vital to the weal of man. 

The peasant youth is forced to draw 

The fateful card that seals his doom ; 

One last embrace of loving wife 

Or weeping mother, nnd away 

To face the brave and active Japs ! 

This island nation is alive 

With wrath and patriotic fire. 

Her battle ships are smoking hot; 

Impatiently they tread the waves. 

Her army drilled and ready stands 

An automatic thing of death. 

Each soldier pants to show what deeds 

Of mortal execution he 

Can do for home and fatherland. 

And so it nears, the awful shock 

Of doubly hammered impetus ! 

They both invoke the God of Heaven 

And rush to grip each other's throat ! 

Ah, helpless man, a slave to law ! 

62 



Like tig^ers in the tangle dense 

We "strug-g-le for existence," and 

In heat of rag^ing- battle prove 

Who are "the fittest to survive." 

How long^, O, Lord, how long shall rule 

This law of fire and hate and blood? 

When shall we feel the kindly showers 

Of love bedew this w orld of ours ? 



THE FIRST CLIP. 



While the Russian takes his naps, 

The pesky little Japs 
Sail up and fire their awful torpedoes; 

And then they turn about 

From Port Arthur skip rig-ht out; 
But the Russian — to the bottom down he g-oes ! 



WARNING. 



"I've nailed your latest photograph 

Upon my chamber wall. 
And every nig-ht with merry laugh 

At Morphia's gentle call 
I throw to it a little kiss 

And sink away in dreams 
Of you, my Love; oh, perfect bliss ! 

How real it always seems!" 

'Twas thus she wrote— the very facts! 

Beware, sweet maid, beware! 
That picture may rip out the tacks 

And jump right down from there! 
Though as an inert thing 'tis prized 

W^ith feelings soft and warm, 
Remember, it was sensitized, 

Before it took its form ! ; 

63 



THE HEART OF A THIEF. 

The nig-ht is now far spent and cold, 

The city fast asleep ; 
A robber groping after g-old 

His vigils lone doth keep. 

He skulks along- the grottos dank 

With bulls-eye light in hand; 
He's 'neath the New York City Bank, 

The boldest of his band. 

He cracks the safe; the treasures shine 

Before his gloating eyes ; 
*'Ye're mire I" he whispers; "all are mine ! 

Ah, what a noble prize !" 

But midst the contents there appears 

A piece unlike the rest ; 
He stops to look, nor heeds the fears. 

That boil within his breast. 

He sees the bust of Win field Scott, 

"November 3rd, '14," 
Our General without a blot 

Upon his honor's sheen. 

And then the name of "Chippewa" — 

He knows that battle well— 
And underneath "Niagara," 

Where many a brave lad fell. 

"I'll put it back !" he luutters low; 

"I'm not the man to steal 
A medal Congress struck to show 

The love the people feel ! 

64 



On g-uard above a grave I'll stand, 
While out the corpse we bring; 

E'en off a dying- woman's hand 
I'll twist her wedding- ring-; 

But never will I draw a breath, 
That shall disturb this sig-n, 

Which lauds a soldier facing- death 
For his g-ood land and mine!" 

And, thoug-h 'twas gold, and heavy too^ 

A token rich and pure. 
All shining- in its case of blue 

He left it there secure. 



METEOROLOGICAL. 

Two young ladies from the city 

Came into our town ; 
Each was dressed for summer weather 

In a low necked gown. 

Now they chanced to read the paper 

And with doleful faces 
Saw, the weatherman predicted 

"Frost in exposed places." 

Said the jollier of the pair: 
Guess I'll doff these laces, 

Get a shawl and cover up 
All my "exposed places." 



65 



SONG OF THE BALLOT. 

Dedicated to Susan B. Anthou^^ Air : "Marching through 
Georgia." 

Oh, there's trouble everywhere, on land and on the sea ! 
To war and superstition all the nations bend the knee; 
If from future danger our Colinribia you would free, 
Let women share in the ballot ! 

Why not? Why not the ladies now include? 
Why not? Why not, ye politicians shrewd? 
Do you fear the purity, with which they are imbued, 
May g"et control of the ballot? 

When you're doing wrong, my boy, who do you fear 

to meet ? 
From your fiancee or sister why should you retreat? 
Will you not feel proud at last, when both of these 

you greet 
Helping to rule with the ballot? 

Any stupid immigrant or negro lately freed. 
Any drunken bummer or consumer of the weed. 
Any man is good enough, although he cannot read. 
To trust with the power of the ballot! 

All the schools and colleges are filling up with girls. 
And beneath the beauty of their fascinating curls 
Seem to hide the rarest of those intellectual pearls ; 
Why, just the thing for the ballot ! 

And, as to the property, they own it all, you know ; 
For, although we strut about and make an awful 

show. 
They just hold the mortgages upon our hearts, and so 
Might just as well hold the ballot. 

Oh yes, oh yes, the girls you must include ! 
Oh yes, oh yes, ye politicians shrewd; 
Then we'll havethe purity, with which they areimbued. 
Firm in control of the ballot 1 

66 



TYPOGRAPHICAL. 

In Piedmont there dwells a fair inaid, 
Who merrilj^ works at her trade 

Of setting- up type, 

While her loveliness ripe 
At her feet many victims has laid. 
Now to one she wished to explain 
Of distinction a delicate g-rain 

'Twixt "publish" and "print," 

And a bright little hint 
Came out in the following- vein : 
"For instance," said she, "you might print 
A kiss on my cheek" — then a tint 

Of rosiest hue 

Flashed forth into view — 
"But to publish would cost you a mint !" 
" 'Tis plainer than day ! I confess," 
Said he and with fondest caress 

He "locked" her sweet "form" 

In his arms big and warm, 
And the volume went straightway to press. 



WHICH. 

Away through the wind and the snow 

After coffee and sugar and butter, 
Her Christian devotion to show. 

She snuggles 'neath the robes of a cutter 
But the query comes pressing to mind, 

Though nobody wishes to chide her, 
To which is her heart most inclined. 

To the church or the man there beside her 



CONVINCED. 

A lecturer did once expand 
To Germans in their native land 
Upon the woes that do befall 
The intemperate use of alcohol. 

With open mouth and ears acute 
Hans Dummer sat and listened mute, 
And, when the fearful tale was told, 
He rose the speaker to uphold : 

"We have g-ood beer and snaps" said he 
"That's drink enough for you and me; 
I don't see why we should at all 
Swill down this goldarned alcohol!" 



LIVING STATUARY 

Adolph and Fritz in nature's trim 

Stole in the park to take a swim, 
When suddenl}' they both did see 
Some people coming- leisurely. 

In consternation, what to do, 

They stood abashed, these sinners two. 
Then Adolph said with wise intent : 
"Let's climb up on that monument! 

Come hurry ! It's not fifteen rods ! 

They'll think we're little Grecian Gods!' 



EXPLAINED. 



The eye, which he lacks 
Resulted from whacks. 

That hiswife inflicted, alas! 
When their sweet honey-moon 
Went down all too soon 

And they both took to pasture for grass. 

68 



TO COUSIN HATTIE. 

Upon the reverse side of this you'll see 

A tracing- of my physiog-nomy. 

'Twill show what wonders modern art can do 
In hiding- imperfections from the view. 

By vain desire of fame or honor fanned 
We flaunt our features broad cast through the land; 
On g-ood forbearing- friends we thus impose 
A pair of unlined optics or a crooked nose. 

But pray forg-ive, for with the best intent 
'This half-tone of yours truly has been sent. 

The g-reatest marvel yet remains to say ; 

Scarce half a cent for it he had to pay ! 



A FIRM FOUNDATION. 

Now that we're strong-ly militant 

And need so many men, 
It will not do to sit and rant 

Ag-ainst the Mormon ken. 

Ye bachelors and husbands, who 

Have not a sing-le son. 
Just bring- within your mental view 

What Prophet Smith has done ! 

Six women has he ta'en to wive, 

Fed, housed and bonneted, 
And sons and daughters forty-five 

Into the world has led. 

If soldiers, sailors, nurses must 

For Uncle Sam be found. 
In Smith and Smoot we'll put our trust 

And rest on solid ground ! 

69 



THE JAPANESE HOTHER. 

A youth of Takasaki stands by his mother's side. 

The idol of her marriag-e, her only darling- pride: 

"Why go you not to battle ag-ainst the barbarous- 
horde, 

Which over all Manchuria the hateful Czar has 
poured ?" 
"There's a law upon our records, which says I 

cannot fight, 
While a widowed mother's living- depends upon my 
plight." 

The woman drew a dagger and plunged it in her 
breast : 

"Take this," she g-asped, "and use it at your father- 
land's behest ; 

When in distress our country for soldiers brave doth 
cry, 

I'll show them how a mother to free her son can die !" 



A nODERN MOHAHHED. 

In a parlor sits a maiden, her mother and her beau ; 
The conversation lag-s a bit — indeed becomes quite 
slow. 
A burden seems to rest upon the young- man's 

troubled inind, 
A something for which proper words are very hard 
to find. 

He g-azes on the maiden with a deep absorbing- look. 
Much as an earnest student pours o'er his college book. 
The girl looks so inviting — the doting mother too 
Is wrapt in close attention and keeps the youth irt 
view. 

70 



"Shall I say the word?" he muses within his worried 

soul ; 
"Shall I fling- away my freedom and try the married 
role?" 
He stares into the corner and sees a strug-g-ling- fly 
All tang-led in a spider's web and just about to die. 

He watches mute the drama with vital interest 
Each effort of the victim finds an echo in his breast; 
"Excuse me please!" he stammers; "I fear I am 

unwell I " 
He grabs his hat and bolting- — yea, one might say 
he fell— ■ 

A-down the steps and homeward with rapid nervous 

bound 
He measures with athletic leg-s the intervening g-roun'd. 
And all a-tremble there he sits and ponders God's 

wise plan ; 
"Once more," says he, "a spider's web has saved 
a helpless man !" 



JAPANESE WAR POEH. 

[From a German Translation.] 

The lion, king of the forest 

Roaring his fearful alarms. 
Is the happy and proud English nation's 

Threatening coat of arms. 
Hail and bless him ! 

Then why should we fear old Bruin, 
Who distant lands would devour? 

We scorn his stupid embracing, 
We defy his faithless power. 
Up and bind him I 

71 



Our army and navy are drilling-; 

The war is at hand, hurrah I 
Europe is in our favor, 

And with us America. 
Off to battle ! 

We strug-gle for our sacred right ; 
With spirit we will fight the fight ; 
We'll bravely draw and man for man 
We'll show the stuff, that's in Japan. 



BEWARE THE WIDOWS! 

Aneat the edict lately made 

By which a pension will be paid 

To every soldier, who at sixty-two or more 
is rated, 
The query comes, are widows lorn, 
Who, when war ceased, were not yet born, 
In thirty-nine brief years completely in- 
capacitated ? 



THE RURAL DELIVERY. 

With countenance wasted and pale 
And horse as thin as a rail 

Along the hill sides 

The poor fellow rides, 
Who carries the government mail. 

No matter how hard it may blow, 
Through mud, slush, water, and snow 

Though the mercury sink 

To hell's very brink. 
Yet over the route he must go. 



When it's hot as Sahara's dread blast, 
You'll see him ride pluckily past; 

Not a thing- must retard 

That dear postal card, 
Until in the fire it is cast. 

The pretty milkmaid comes in view 
And scolds till the air is all blue. 

If he now and then fails 

From amidst his avails 
To hand her a sweet billet-doux. 

Should his reg-ular paper not come. 
The farmer offended and grum 

Sug-g-ests that the post 

With all of its boast 
^'Aint worth a g-ee whitaker dum !" 

Devoid of all comfort and cheer, 
At six hundred dollars a year. 

As meek as a lamb 

He serves Uncle Sam 
And fig-hts with the elements drear. 



A MINT JULEP. 



Take Rebecca for a stroll 

Down a cool ravine, 
Where the dark and fragrant leaves 

Of peppermint are seen. 

Give her some to chew, and, when 
Her lips are nice and sweet, 

You will find a Jew-lip then 
Very hard to beat. 

73 



TRAGEDY IN THE HOUSE OF REP= 
RESENTATIVES. 

Columbia, and Uncle Sam, 

Stuff cotton in your ears, 
Or else tu'n on an extra flush 

Of ag-onizing- tears; 
For midst the loveU^ blossoms 

And warbling- birds of spring- 
The Members of Your Congress 

Are trying now to sing ! 

"My Country 'tis of Thee, " they groan. 

And can no farther go ; 
The other words in childhood days 

Perhaps they used to know. 
Their voices hoarse and broken 

From yelling on the floor 
Sound like the wail of sinners. 

Whose day of hope is o'er. 

And, oh, rash man, who dares to start 

That song- of Francis Key I 
There's not a politician there, 

Who can the high notes see. 
Ah, miserable fiasco! 

A patriotic air 
Ainidst a mob has fallen 

With all her beauty rare I 

Oh, for the German soul that sings 

His noble "Wacht am Rhein," 
Or Frenchman's spirit, that doth drown. 

His "Marseilles*' in wine. 
Or Scotch, or Dutch, or Spaniard — 

They all can raise on high 
An anthem to their country. 

That will their foes defy ! 

74 



But, when our legislators shrewd 

Have squandered all our gold, 
They turn about and murder songs 

In blood, that's freezing cold. 
Have mercy, oh, have mercy ! 

We will our money bring. 
If you'll spare our tender feelings 

And never try to sing ! 



THE TRIP OF THE LIBERTY BELL. 

Yes, give the dear old bell a trip 

All o'er the hustling west! 
And let the people call to mind 

How patriots did their best 
To build a fane of liberty 

Which should forever stand 
The embodiment of statutes, 

The soul of all our land. 
And as it travels through the states, 

Which Jefferson once bought. 
Let's ask ourselves, if we still guard 

What in those days was wrought? 
Is freedom what it used to be 

Before the power of gold 
Built up its throne so broad and high, 

That all the kings of old 
Like pigmies seem ! And as we writhe 

In torture on the rack 
Of trusts and unions screwing tight 

Behold, the old bell's crack! 
It was to peal forth liberty 

The patriot pulled so hard 
And left the ancient metal form 

Forever deeply scarred. 



And was it then prophetic? Ah, 

Shall we in future moan 
Seamed by monopolistic greed 

That spoils our noble tone? 
Great God, forbid it! Break the spell 

That clouds the hearts of men, 
And let the g-rand old freedom bell 

Ring- out uncracked ag-aini 



MEMORIES. 



"In years g^one by," the husband said 

"When first in love we met, 
Your lips were like the roses red. 

Your hair was black as jet." 
"Ah, yes," she said ; "I can recall ; 

Your eye was firm and brig-ht. 
Your moustache did not droop at all, 

Your nose was purest white I" 



AUTOMATRIMONY. 

"When an old man marries a sweet girl wife 

And buys her an automobile, 
He will speed very fast through the rest of his life, 

No matter how young- he may feel. 

She sits there enthroned, the queen of his heart, 

And runs his domestic machine; 
She toots out a warning, and, though his nerves start. 

Turns on the full force of benzine. 

He is running- 'g-ainst time in a heart-straining- race; 

There's a soft little hand at the brake. 
Which never shuts down on the terrible pace, 

But is proud of the breeze they can make. 



And the crash comes anon: the thing: makes a leap 

And heads for the awtul unknown. 
Bnt she steps quickly off, and into the deep 

He goes blindly plung-ing- alone. 

And then, a sweet widow in delicate black. 

Which looks "just too lovely" on her. 
She hunts up her lover, her own dearest Jack, 

And makes him her future chauffeur. 



THE PLATFORM 1904. 

The Democrats are looking- for a man to lead them on 
And a rousing oki-time slogan for the multitudes to 
shout : 
They have found the man in Parker and you'll hear 
the cry anon, 
"Lower tariff's, scotch the trusts, and turn the 
blooming rascals out!" 

We are tired of paying taxes on the things that should 
be free. 
Just to stuff" the big fat pocket books of bloated 
millionaires, 
And, when we see them selling cheap to people o'er 
the sea. 
We think it's time the tariff's come a trundling down 
the stairs. 

There's an evil in our country, which is breeding 
very fast, 
And the slimy brood is wriggling over hill and 
dale and plain : 
Oh, the prices we are forced to pay just make us stand 
aghast ! 
We m'ust get the trusts beneath our heel and stamp 
with miefht and main. 



You have read about the post-office and how the fel- 
lows steal — 
How our Congressmen are pushing- up the salaries 
of friends ? 
And the fraud in western public lands make honest- 
voters feel, 
That it's time these politicians to the people make 
amends. 

So it looks as if a torrent would g-o sweeping- o'er the 
land, 
Washing- all this rank corruption to the ocean in its 
route. 
And the Jeffersonian slog-an will resound with its 
demand, 
"Lower tariffs, scotch the trusts, and turn the 
blooming- rascals out !" 



A REQAL BIRTH. 



As Bessie and her mother in the royal park 
Were walking- one bright June morn, 

A cannon was fired, and the woman said : "Hark, 
A prince of the nation is born !" 

"Oh, mamma!" said Bessie, with dark eyes keen 

Underneath her little straw hat ; 
"When a baby boy comes to the king and queen, 

Does it always rattle like that?" 



BLANK SORROW. 

[From the French of Fniile Nelligau.] 

Our souls are so deep, and as empty as the sky ! 
Oh, my Love, lets go hence! You suffer; so do I. 

Let's fly to the castle of the purely ideal. 
Away from material things and all that's real. 



To the shores of illusion, the isle of lies. 

O'er the nave of twenty years in dreamt we will rise. 

'Tis a land of singing- birds and full of purest gold ; 
On a bed of sweetest roses we'll sleep till we are old. 

We'll rest ourselves there from our spiritual wars 
In the rhythm of the flute and the waltz of the stars. 

Let's fly to the castle of the purely ideal, 
Away from material things and all that's real! 

"Will you die with me, Love ? You suffer; so do I, 
Our souls are so deep, and as empty as the sky! 



KIDNAPPING. 



There's a business method spreading-- 

And its progress is not slow — 
In which they lug ofl^ people 

Where they do not care to go ; 
And, before they are surrendered 

To their sympathizing friends, 
Some pocket-books are opened 

For the board to make amends. 
We all do well remember 

How the public heart did toss 
In waves of deep emotion 

O'er the rape of Charlie Ross, 
And w^hen Miss Stone was corralled 

By a horrid heathen band 
The hair of every christian 

In wrath on end did stand. 
But worse than these is truly 

The Perdicaris case. 
Where after bold Rasuli 

Four nations make a chase. 

79 



It seems to be too risky, 

This wandering- round at large. 
There are so manj'^ bandits 

To take a chap in charg-e ; 
So stay at home, my sonny. 

And with your mamma chat, 
You'll thereby save your money 

And know just "where you're at. 



THEY WOULD NOT PAY. 

When Susan B. and Carrie C. 

Were stopping- in Berlin, 
The landlord gay in the usual way 

His little bill sent in. 

And 'gainst these dames with noble aims 

An item did appear. 
Whence one might think they'd ordered drink. 

Some wine and lager-beer ! 

You may surmise, there did arise 

A storm upon that sea; 
But the land-lord came and calmed the same 

By substituting "tea." 



TO FLORENCE. 



How bright seems graduation ! 

But life is yet ahead. 
You've reached the first way station, 

But still must onward tread. 

I send congratulation, 

And wish you great success. 

May your infatuation 

For study ne'er grow less. 

80 



GOOD SOIL. 

The farmers now will all be found 

Within Republican ranks ; 
They'll surely see the best of g^round 

In Roosevelt (Rosefield) and Fairbanks. 



THE LOCOMOTIVE. 



As along- the Cresson hills you roam 
And feast on the wondrous view, 

A chorus of voices fills the dome 
And comes rolling up to you. 

They seem imbued with human life, 

Thoug-h they issue from breasts of steel ; 

You can hear the sighs of toil and strife. 
Which men and women feel. 

Two long- shrill cries make the air resound — 
They come from a spot out of sig-ht — 

But an echoing- answer proves there's found 
A helper, who says: "A-1-1 — r-i-g--h-t!" 

A belching- snort, the driver slips, 
And, if ever an eng-ine doth swear. 

It is now that a volley escapes her lips 
As black as the enfolding- air. 

But her mate puffs too, and they seem to say, 

As the wheels begin to roll 
So slowly around on the iron way 

With their tons upon tons of coal : 

''Thoug-h it's heavy, awful heavy, 
I can pull it ! I can push it ! 
Now it's moving, slowly moving ; 
We can do it ! We can do it !" 

81 



Methinks there is many a sturdy soul 
In this strug-gling- world of ours, 

Whose burden is just as hard to roll 
And calls for as mighty powers. 

And often too the driver slips 

And a cry goes up for aid; 
But the sand applied, once more it grips 

And bravely climbs the grade. 



TO X. WITH A PICTURE OF A BATHING SUIT. 

Now here you see how sweet you'd look 

Dressed for a little plunge, 
Concealed within a shady nook 

Away from tub and sponge. 

The costume has a comely fit, 

Is made of fabric fine ; 
But, when you try to swim in it, 

'Taint half so nice as mine ! 

Oh, when I jump into the lake 

Upon an August day, 
I cannot bear for fashion's sake 

To check the muscle's play ; 

So in the garb that God gave me 

I steal down by the shore, 
And 'mongst the frogs and fishes free 

There's one amphibian more. 



FALLING IN LOVE. 

Eugene and Elizabeth went for a ride. 

Each one in an automobile; 
The speed they could make was a source of great pride. 

Which to both of their hearts did appeal. 

82 



One sped east the other sped west ; 

Their eyes accidentally met, 
And a cry escaped from Elizabeth's breast 

Of pitiful helpless regret. 

They threw up their arms as the crash came on, 
The machines arose with a bound. 

And down 'mong-st the daises the couple anon 
In a dizzy embrace spun around. 

So delightful it was, they never forgot. 

And the net result of that day 
Was a nice little home on a suburban lot 

And three pretty babies at play. 



THE PRIEST'S BELIEF. 

A pastor lives in a mansion grand — 

He is a "man of God" — 
High o'er the roof a cross doth stand 

And a first-class lightning-rod I 

And thus it seems, the holy friar 
Fears that the Lord may lack 

The power to steer His heavenly fire 
Adown the proper track. 

"Not by our words, but by our deeds 

In this bad world of sin, 
Must we be tried to find the creeds. 

On which our faith we pin. 



MATINS. 

Mary and Will were deep in love 
And tried hard not to show it ; 

The stroke fell on them from above; 
Their parents did not know it. 

83 



But scarce was breakfast safely o'er. 
When out there in the kitchen 

Behind a friendly cellar door 
To hug- and kiss they'd pitch in. 

One day her mother noticed, that 
The pair too long- were missing 

And bolting out she struck them pat, 
"While they were wildly kissing. 

And when she asked: "What do I see? 

Such strange phantastic motions !" 
The girl exclaimed : "Why, Will and me 

Be's at our first devotions!" 



THE FATHER'S CHEER. 

To toil is hard, if all there is 

Ahead is simply pelf ; 
The mind reverts and feeds upon 

The barren husks of self; 

But toil is lighter, when at home 

About the little gate 
A happv group impatiently 

For papa watch and wait. 



THE EDITOR'S TRUST. 

The youthful poet sat and mused : 

"I've found anew combine! 
To fourteen papers have I sent 

This first thusette of mine ; 
But, though I search the columns through 

With most persistent care. 
The verses do not come to view ; 

Can't see them anywhere !" 

84 



THE FATAL GLASS. 

Oh, doubly sweet that g-lass of wine, 
Which passed from her lips straight to mine; 
We sip alternate drop by drop 
And drain the last one ere we stop. 

We thrice fill up, and, as she sips, 

I kiss the drippings from her lips. 
A strang-e intoxicant it is. 
This nectar-flavored luscious kiss. 

She's Cupid, Bacchus, all to me; 
A thousand gods in her I see ! 

Ah. fatal, fatal glass of wine. 

That firsttouched her lips thentouched mine! 



TIMES ARE CHANGED. 

An old grey-headed parson, 

Who used to roar and pound. 
Comes back to wander over 

His ancient stamping ground, 
Where in the red school-houses 

He made the sinners quake 
With fears of sure damnation 

In Hades' burning lake. 
But, oh, how changed the customs 

The folks no longer crowd 
To seek for their salvation 

Before a preacher loud, 
But calmly at their fireside 

They read the last review. 
And leave the dust to gather 

Upon the family pew. 

85 



Ah, strang-e anachronism ! 

The world has onward rolled, 
While you have clung- persistent 

To everything-, that's old. 
Mourn not. you cannot stop it ; 

It's moving- swiftly past; 
The darkest superstition 

Gives way to light at last. 



LAZINESS. 



He stood upon 'the river bank — 

It was a torrid day — 
The other boys were plunging- round 

Amidst the cooling- spray; 
"Say, Henry, aint ye comin in?" 

Said one kid as he rose; 
"Oh, no, I guess not — too much work 

To take off all my clothes !" 



SPRING BLOSSOMS. 

Bright flowers in varied colors blow 
All o'er the meads in gorgeous mats. 

But, paling- nature's feebler show. 
They fairlj^ blaze on ladies' hats. 



IT FINISHED Hin 



"The score? The score ? what was the score?'*" 

The dying man cried out in pain; 
The answer heard, he breathed no more ; 

The game was called because of rain ! 

86 



SYNONYMOUS. 

She g-azed into her sing-ing- book 

Upon the Sabbath day, 
And saw the first piece in the same 

Was called "The Opening- Lay;" 
She whispered in the tenor's ear: 

Look at that name, I beg; 
Now don't you think 'twere better termed 

"The Pullet's Maiden Egg?" 



NEW YEAR'S GREETING TO F. H. 

May you and your mother 
Just freeze to each other 

In a crystal of love most naive; 
And the year '89 
Spring a Bonanza mine 

More rich than 'tis safe to conceive ! 
And then may the weather, 
Which froze you together 

Grow stealthily warmer and coy, 
Till that crystal dissolving 
Your natures involving 

Flows off in a liquid of joy. 



LEAVING HOME. 



The snows of eig-hty winters had whistled o'er his 
head, 
His^hair and beard were soft and purest white. 
When finally the doctor those fatal words had said : 
"You must go south, where days are warm and 
bright. 

87 



These zero nig-hts, and blizzards, that round our hill- 
sides roar, 

Are sapping- all your streng-th, so help you, God ! 
To stay and fight the elements about one season more 

Will lay your tottering- frame beneath the sod." 

And then the old man sold his home and auctioned 
off his stuff, 
Each article he'd used for many a year ; 
The prices, which they realized appeared not half 
enoug-h, 
To him the things were sacred and so dear ! 

He walked around the little place and took a farewell 
look 
At every cherished vine and apple tree, 
And thought how long he'd cared for them and with 
his pruning hook 
Had trained them into fruitful harmony. 

The neighbors gathered near the door and wished 
him every joy. 

But tears were mingled w^ith each warm adieu ; 
He w^as leaving home forever, and'nobody but his "boy" 

Could go along to see him safely through. 

The hardest of the partings, though, was with his 
faithful dog, 
Who gazed so kind and loving in his eye ; 
The old inan's voice was trembling, and a cold and 
hazy fog 
Came o'er his vision, as he heaved a sigh. 

He held the paw, ihat rose to him, and softly said : 
"Good by ; 

'Twill be a very close race 'twixt us two; 
Which shall hold out the longer, old Sancho, you or I ? 

'Tis hard to go and leave you as I do!" 



Oh, reader, have you seen an oak torn from its native 
g-round ? 
How every root doth cling- tenaciously ? 
'Twas thus the fibers, which for years about his soul 
had wound. 
Were severed now and bleeding- let him free. 

But 'tis not long-, that aged trees transplanted will 
survive; 
In new though better soil their time is brief; 
The old man lingered but a while, and came not 
back alive — 
His dog- took sick and died before of g-rief. 



SWEET SIXTEEN. 

Of moods and humors rare 
And joys scarce understood 

How full the souls of maidens are, 
That blof m toward womanhood.' 



WHY ir WAS SPOILED 

She was looking at the negative 

And was in a low-necked gown ; 
The picture was not good at all 

And made her sweet face frown. 
"You must sit again," the artist said- 

"Please take it with composure-- 
The trouble with the first one is, 

There was too much exposure." 

89 



A QUERY. 

"Cantelope ! cantelope !" cried the vender in the street, 
As the people surged along-, in dizzy whirl ; 

"Why not, old man? Why not?" a gamin did repeat; 
Is there something the matter with your girl?" 



THE COLOR GUARD. 

From the German of Feodor L,oewe. 

Upon the watch the minstrel soldier stands 

And greets with song the soft and silent night ; 
He strikes his harp with light but bloody hands, 
And thinks of home and friends and lovers' plight : 
"The maiden, whom I love, I do not name — 

Her spirit sweet is ever hovering 'round me — 
I'll strike for light, for freedom, and for fame, 
True to the flag, to which my oath has bound 
me ! ' ' 

The night goes by and morning brings the fight. 

The minstrel guards his colors firm and boldly. 
Now swings his sword wMth brilliant flashing light ; 
He strikes to ground his foemen singing coldly : 
"The maiden, whom I love, I do not name, 
And, if grim death his tendrels weave around me ! 

I'll die for light, for freedom, and for fame, 
True to the flag, to which my oath has bound 
me!" 

Now death is satiated, victory reigns. 

From gaping wounds the minstrel's life is streaming. 
He grasps his colors tighter midst his pains, 

And sings once more, as if in slumber dreaming : 
"The maiden, whom I loved, I did not name; 

Aye, true in death the fickle world has found me ; 
I fought and fell for freedom, light, and fame. 
True to the flag, to which my oath had bound 
me I ' ' 

90 



SELF SACRIFICING. 

She climbed into the street car- 
She weighed three hundred pound- 

And blushing-ly she stood there 
And look confused around. 

A g-allant youth named Freeman 

Said, as he took his feet : 
Now I'll be one of three men 

To g-ive this woman a seat!" 



MODESTY. 



Once there was a little maid 
And so modest was she 

That she always went behind 
A door to change her mind. 

She was actuall>' afraid, 
Strange as it may be 
To take a look forsooth 
At the simple naked truth. 

Her conscience she obeyed, 
But she never did feel free 
To make or to retract 
A bare statement of fact. 



SCRIPTURAL. 

"Cast your bread upon the waters,' 
What a pretty little dream ! 

If it should be in a river. 

It would float away down stream. 

If it be a lake or ocean. 

None the less would be the joke ; 
"After many days" you'd find it 

Rather soggy from the soak. 

91 



SQUIBS. 

A squib is made of pung-ent stuff 
Wrapped daintily and a la mode 

And suddenly with saucy puff 

Right in your face it doth explode. 



THE BABY SQUALLS. 

Uncle Samuel's latest kid, 

Panama, 
Has kicked at what the old man did. 

Its big- papa. 
The Ding-ley tariff, like a fence, 
Binds the ten-mile strip and hence 
Outside prices are immense ! 

Saccara ! 



When natives in a stove-pipe hat 

Wish to shine, 
They do not purchase, '"where they're at, 

But cross the line. 
And get it there at forty off, 
Bow low and at home merchants scoff — 

Isn't it fine? 



The infant feels itself just cut 

Square in two. 
And all its lines of business shut — 

Boo, hoo, hoo ! 
Two cents for postage 'long the ditch," 
rive outside, a matter, which 

Looks rather blue ! 

92 



So down into the isthmus goes 

Our Mr. Taft, 
To pull the youngster's little nose 

With wisest craft ; 
He'll show them, that the people, who 
About such things make great ado, 
Are not a crowd, but just a few 

And only daft. 



EASILY SETTLED. 

After the Geriuau in Fliegende Blaetter. 

"The sweetest thing in all my lot 

Was that first kiss, you gave to me !"^ 

"Ah, no, my dearest, you forgot 
The one before, you stole!" said she ; 

And then their lips met o'er and o'er, 
She gave, and he stole, three or four ! 



HE KEEPS COOL. 

Scarcely is the rush and roar 
Of the awful battle o'er. 
When the soldier of Japan 

Draws his fan. 
Midst the moments of surcease 
He creates a little breeze 
Just as cooling as he can, 

This little man. 

'Tis a sight you can't forget; 
He does not sit there and fret 
'Midst the powder's sick'ning stench 

In the trench. 
But wnth bright and smiling face 
Draws he gently from its case 
And with innate charming grace 

Swings his fan. 

93 



What is death to him, my friend, 
But the bitter g-lorious end 
Of the heroes, whom they send 

To the van ? 
If the bullet of his foe 
Ushers him to courts below. 
He will face the devil so — 

With his fan ! 



TO A FORMER PUPIL. 

Congratulations, Bertha, 
And a big- handful of rice ! 

May your union be prolific 
Of everything-, that's nice! 

And, as the years roll onward, 
May joy and gladness rule 

And 'round your fireside g-ather 
A little private school ! 



SAVED! 

Oh, lovers, you can haw-haw 

At microbes now and kiss, 
Nor fear the dreadful ''craw-craw' 

Will rob you of your bliss; 
With souls content and placid 

Just take your usual sips 
With weak boracic acid 

Bedewed upon your lips ! 

94 



SHAVER'S INSTITUTE ORDER. 

"The school-ma'am shall not dance," 

If this shaver can save her 
From the evils of the light fantastic toe; 
But it seems to us perchance, 
'Twould be braver to lave her 
A bit of wholesome freedom as to where she 
oughter go ! 



HOW TO PARTICIPATE. 

"I can not run, I can not kick, 

I can not catch the ball : 
How in the name of ancient Nick 

Am I to play at all?" 

Thus said a spindle-legged youth, 
A freshman just from home. 

Who off to college after truth 
Had been induced to roam. 

A junior said: "That's all the same; 

Here take a cigarette ! 
You'll very soon get in the game, 

When you begin to bet!" 



NELLIE. 

I had a baby sister once — 

It was so long ago 
Her memory is almost lost 

Amid life's ebb and flow. 

Into my boyhood's happy home 

A little cherub came 
And flew away so very soon. 

She hardly left a name. 

95 



She learned to walk and laugh and pout 

And say a word or two, 
And look up in her brother's face 

With roguish eyes and blue. 

And then to dread diphtheria 

She fell an easy prize — 
I too was sick — one winter's day 

She vanished from my eyes. 

I'm sure she went to Heaven straight — 

She had not time to sin ; 
For such the angel mothers wait 

And fold them gently in. 

Out in the burial ground you'll find, 

Where myrtle softly creeps, 
A little lamb with head inclined, 

And these words: "Nellie sleeps." 



EIGHT O'CLOCK. 



"When goes that mornin' train?" once said 

A merry Irish boy. 
As he sat him down to a generous spread. 

That filled his heart with joy. 

"At 8:08," sir," the maid replied, 

Who brought him his repast. 
"Oh, Lord!" said he, as he pitched it inside; 

"I 'ate to ate so fast !" 



A PROPOSAL 

A pretty girl and a bashful freak 
In a grave-yard took a walk. 

He loved her hard, but dared not speak- 
Other things absorbed their talk. 

96 



At last they came to his family lot, 
And he said : "This is ours, my dear; 

Would you be pleased — or would you not, 
To die and be buried here?" 



LOVE'S PROOF. 

[From the German of B A Boer.] 

"How shall I know that you are true 
The doubting- maiden said, 

As in the hour of deepest love 
He told, how his heart bled ; 

"In olden times a suitor brave 

His rival would eng-ag^e, 
Or bring- the g-love, his lady threw 

Into a lion's cage. 

Down to the bottom of the sea 

iie diving- risked his life. 
And did not Jacob seven years 

Serve for his g-oodly wife? 

How shall I know, that you are true. 

And love but me alone?" 
Then like a knight on bended knee 

He cried with anxious tone: 

"To prove I love you more than all, 

I swear by Heaven high 
Whatever you may choose to cook 

I'll eat it, if I die !" 

A shout of joy ! She folds him in 

Her velvet arms divine : 
"Oh, now I love you, noble man ! 

I am forever thine!" 

97 



AN ELECTION REFLECTION. 

If all g-ood Christians could so well 
Clear up each doubtful state 

As Teddie did, the fear of hell 
Would very soon abate. 



GOVERNOR DOUGLAS. 



Midst the wrecks of hopes and fortunes on that sad 
November day 
See arising- in the east a worthy son, 
Who appealing- to the voters in his own straightfor- 
ward way, 
A great and glorious victory has won ! 

Just a simple plain shoemaker, putting sophistry to 
rout, 
Showing how the tariffs cost the people dear, 
Midst the crowd of disappointed ones serenely stand- 
ing out, 
Over in the seat of culture doth appear. 

He says, that honest labor will produce an honest 
shoe, 
Which will sell upon its merit anywhere. 
And he does not ask that Congress shall make 
schedules for the few, 
To pile up a greater profit than is fair. 

'Tis a good old Scotch cognomen, that of Douglas 
brave and true, 
And the Jeffersonian hosts, who work for bread, 
Hope, the Kuropatkin leaders will nov^^ line them 
up anew 
Underneath a man, who dares to go ahead. 

98 



IT CONVERTED HIM. 

He stole her g-arter-buckle — 

She was a millionaire — 
But when he found the g"em was paste, 

He bent his knee in prayer ! 



A FABLE. 



One evening Will and Mary sat 

And looked at one another 
So modestly and humbly, that 

You'd thoug-ht he was her brother. 

But all the while they mourned their fate 

With wry unhappy faces. 
Because her mother staid so late 

And shut oflF their embraces. 

Then suddenly a trap did spring- 

Upon the cellar bottom. 
And from the sounds, which thence did ring- 

'Twas plain that they had "g-ot'm." 

So mamma g-rabbed the lamp and ran 
Down where the rat was tugging, 

And, left alone, the pair began 
An energetic hugging ! 

The girl above, the rat below 

For mercy were appealing. 
And 'twixt the two 'twas hard to know. 

Which did the tallest squealing. 

The moral is, that when the cat 

All her attention's paying 
Unto a poor unlucky rat. 

The kittens will be playing. 

99 

L OF C. 



COCKADOODLEDOO! 

Politics are very warm' 

Out in Buffalo, 
And the burning- question is, 

"Shall the roosters crow?" 

Aristocratic folks who live 
On the "Western Side," 

Love to sleep, when old Sol starts 
On his daily ride. 

But the common "Easterner" 

Says the trusty cock 
With a welcome clarion voice 

Is his morning clock. 

So the issue clear is joined, 

And the aldermen 
Are with chanticleers absorbed 

More than e'en the hen ! 

If the workmen win the fight 

Then, I do suppose, 
Buffalo will ring all night 

With their rooster-crows I 



THEY CAN'T HELP IT. 

When two lovers in the parlor 
Sit alone where all is dark. 
Do you wonder, why they laugh and giggle so? 
'Tis because they're close together 
And to one another hark ; 
They are always sofa-cetious then, you know ! 

100 



A CLASSIC CABLEGRAM. 

When Kaiser Will to Theodore 

Sent his cong-ratulations, 
He was so full and brimming- o'er 

With love for both the nations, 
That Eng-lish, Deutch, or any speech, 

Which people now do chat in, 
Could not to its profoundness reach. 

And so he wired in Latin ! 



APPROPRIATE. 



The seventh baby had arrived; 

To find a name was rather tough, 
So, since the other six survived, 

The papa called it Justin Nuff. 



THE HEART OF A WIFE 

In their quiet home at twilight 
Sat an old g-rej^-headed pair, 

Who had journeyed on together 

Through life's seasons foul and fair. 

She had joined the church in girlhood, 
And in later thoughtful years 

Had clung fondly to its precepts 
Midst a crowd of doubting fears. 

But his mind was philosophic, 

And the things the preacher taught 

Seemed the darkest superstitions 
Down from barbarous ages brought. 

"How I wish we were united 
In these matters like the rest, 

And I knew, that you were going 
To that haven of the blest ! 

101 



"You are good," she said, "and -noble; 

Can it be, when life is past, 
Into everlasting- torment 

Such as you the Lord will cast? 

Oh, in death must we be parted ? 

No ! It cannot, shall not be I 
I will go with you. That's settled. 

I can choose. The will is free. 

Other joys would be but sorrow, 
But a mournful dismal knell ; 

Hell with you would be a heaven, 
Heaven without would be a hell." 



CHRISTMAS. 



Oh, day of hope ! Day of the newborn Son I 
Born to fight with storms and darkness, till 
Victorious upon bright Easter morn he calls 
The earth to rise again to life supreme ! 
What tales of heroes grand have built themselves 
Upon the journey of the sun ! How riding 
In a car of lire awa}^ to southern skies 
He turns his horses now to bless 
The world anew ! And later, when Religion 
Builds her systems for the weal of men. 
How many Saviors of the World are born 
Upon this day ! Strange, that the heart 
Of man delights in legends of the past ! 
From China's crumbling shores to strong Americas- 
Land bright candles blaze in joy on Christmas 
Eve. Each faith interprets for itself. 
Here'tistheChrist and there theBuddh, hereKrishna. 
Yonder Zoroaster fills the heart with praise. 
And yet 'tis but the poem of the spheres 
Repeated o'er and o'er through countless years. 

102 



EPITAPH. 

When the man below took sick and died, 

Some thought his brain was crazed, 
For he'd been before the board and tried 

To g-et his assessment raised ! 
He left this world for realms on high 

Without a word of prayer, 
But all the same he'll sit close by 

The throne in a rocking chair. 



THE QAHE OF LIFE. 

A group of eleven gay fellows 

Sat down to a jolly spread 
And swore, they would banquet together 

Every year, whether living or dead. 

A big flask of wine was ordered. 

Of old Burgundy the best, 
To be drunk by the man of the party, 

Who should chance to outlive the rest. 

They toasted the health of all present, 
And hoped that the wine would be old, 

Ere the game should be played to a finish 
And ten of them lifeless and cold. 

Year by year on the regular feast day 
The gradually lessening band 

Laid a cup and a plate for each brother, 
Who had gone to the spirit land. 

Till one day two grey bearded comrades 
Took their places side by side 

And talked of their joys and sorrows 
With feelings of pain and pride. 

103 



They spoke to their ghost companions 
As though they were sitting around 

The board with their jovial faces 
And appetites hearty and sound. 

They tenderly stroked the bottle 

Aw^aiting the victory there, 
And each said he hoped, tliat the other 

Would sample its contents rare. 

Next year only one reported, 
And aye to the compact true 

He sat himself down at the table 
And ate the whole menu throuerh. 



Then filling a glass from the bottle 
He rose wath a trembling hand 

And tossed it on high to the spirits. 
Who seemed all around him to stand. 



And alternately drinking and flinging 
The fragrant old wine in the air, 

He drained the flask to the bottom. 
And settled back dead in his chair. 



TRY ANOTHER CUT. 



When you ask a maid to marry 
And she flatly doth refuse, 
Maybe 'tis because j^ou do not seem a "bute;' 
Go and with your tailor tarry. 
Tell the sad disheartening news; 
He's the fellow^ that can help you in your suit. 

104 



REGRET. 

At neon the trees are weeping- 
As though with grief undone, 

Their crystal prisms melting 
Beneath the midday sun. 

From g-listening light refracted 

In a multicolored sheen 
All nature shone at sunrise 

A beauteous fairy scene. 

It was a wedding morning- 

And every tree a bride, 
But their jewels now are dropping 

In tears of wounded pride. 

And through the naked branches 

In a disappointed tone 
I can hear the plaintive murmur 

Of their spirits, as they moan. 



IN HEflORIAM 



Josh and Mirandy lie side by side 

In the little graveyard 'neath the hill. 
And since the March day, on which both of them died, 

The winds of dissension are still. 

A turbulent journey through life they trod. 

And neither g-ave in the least bit, 
Till the sexton at last with magnanimous sod 

Covered up this connubial misfit. 

And softly above them the green moss grows 

And the filtering rivulets wash 
A-down through the spaces betwixt the toes 

Of Mirandy and her dear Josh. 

105 



UNCLE JOE. 

The People and the President would like some g-ood 
relief 
From the prices, which the tariffs put on thing-s, 
But it won't be done by Congress, and the reason is 
in brief 
What within the following- little jing-le ring-s : 
Uncle Joe says "no," and the boys will stand so 
Pat behind him, that 'twill g-o, as it pleaseth 
Uncle Joe. 

Four to four the wise committee was balanced in a trice 

With Sereno most serenely on the fence ; 
But, if you would be famous, it is always very nice 
To please your Uncle in a conference. 

And Uncle Joe said "no," and Sereno stands so 
Pat behind him, that 'twill go, as it pleaseth 
Uncle Joe. 

Hence we'll have to keep on paying- twice as much as 
thing-s are worth 
So that Eng-lish, Dutch, and Frenchmen may buy 
cheap. 
And that certain manufacturers maj' sweep us off the 
earth 
With the profits they continually do reap; 

For uncle Joe says so, and the party stands, you 

know, 
Pat behind him, and 'twill go, as it pleaseth 
Uncle Joe. 



THE DIFFERENCE. 



There's a marvelous distinction, friend, 
'Twixt poetry and clever verse. 

Don't mix them up! May God forfend ! 
Some author for't will be the worse. 

106 



If you read along- in hazy dreams, 
And find each line with mystery teems, 
And scarce a streak of radiance gleams 
Amidst what like a fogbank seems, 
That's poetry. 

But, if in clear-cut simple words 

The thought comes out distinct and terse 

And to your soul some joy affords. 
That's clever verse. 



DAISIE'S GONE. 



Alas, was there no Yankee boy 
To sit down close beside her 

And with her heart-strings gently toy 
Could no one else D. Leiter ? 

She throws aside her freedom here 
To grace an Earl's estate ; 

In England's regal atmosphere 
I'm afraid she'll Suffolkate. 



CHRISTflAS LONELINESS. 

These days, when my dear wife doth steal 
Down to the store to "take a look," 

A hollow aching void I feel 

Around my heart — and pocket book. 



BOYOPATHY. 



Our boy was sick ; the doctor came 
And prescribed a box of pills 

With an awe-inspiring Latin name, 
Which itself gave Jack the chills. 

107 



Our boy got well, and away he went 

To his noisy boisterous fun; 
He had used the pills, which the druggist sent. 

To shoot in his new blow-sfun. 



IN TERflS OF HIS OWN FAITH. 

As her Theosophic husband kissed his dear wife at 
the door, 
And departed for his usual Christmas spree, 
She remarked in accents positive: "There's just one 
item more, 
That I wish to press upon your memory : 
Your material body must at home by half-past 
eleven be ; 
Your astral body may stay out the night for all of 
me." 



BEFORE AND AFTER. 

How charmingly your poem reads. 
When you send it off! Alack, 

How cheap, uncouth and full of weeds, 
When it comes a trundling back! 



nv PUPIL. 



One summer appeared in the midst of our hills 

The bright little theme of my ditty. 
Who was running away from the manifold ills, 

That breed in the air of a city. 

She was coming to romp for weeks upon weeks 

All over our beautiful valley 
And splash with bare legs in the frolicsome creeks, 

Which down the ravines make their sally. 

108 



We two had a school I She sat on my lap 

And made such a brief recitation ! 
Looking- into my eyes to discover, mayhap, 

For each task the complete explanation. 

Our lessons were flowers, ferns, mosses, and trees,. 

We talked about bird-song-s and fishes, 
Of clouds, as they skurried along- in the breeze, 

And at dinner we emptied the dishes. 

Brown blushes of health round her dimples would steal, 

Her heart with delight was a-quiver. 
As along shady roadways she rolled on her wheel. 

Or paddled a boat on the river. 

But the summer sped by ; she went from this wild 

Sweet joy to the benches and classes 
Of a "system," that grinds the life out of a child, 

And leaves a pale phantom, which "passes." 

In the fall, as the leaves by the sunlight were stained 

And down to the earth gently floated, 
I wondered, how^ much of the color remained 

In those cheeks, upon which I had doted ? 



THE WONDERS OF SURGERY. 

A youngster, while shaving one day, 
Sliced oft' the tip end of his nose, 

Then dropped in a most careless way 
The razor on one of his toes. 

It severed a piece just the size 
Of the one he had lost before, 

And, alarmed by the violent cries, 
His mother ran in at the door. 

109 



She flew for the doctor in haste, 
Who grafted the two frag-ments on, 

But g-ot them exactly misplaced, 

Where they grew to perfection anon. 

And now, when the fellow doth pare 
His toe-nail each fine Sunday morn. 

He inust in the looking--g-lass stare 
At the flourishing- member new born. 

And, when he steps out on the street 
And is struck by a cool passing breeze, 

He makes a wild dive for his feet 

And yanks his right shoe off to sneeze. 



ON THE STAIRS. 



Strange things sometimes come in view, 

But it doth not oft occur. 
That an angel comes to you 

Sliding down a banister ! 

In a robe of dainty white 

Like a vision in a dream 
Midst the dim and flickering light 

Heavenly spirit it did seem. 

But I caught it in my arms 

And the throbbing life could feel ; 

Then I knew, that all its charms 
Were not fantasy, but real. 



110 



THE ORGAN BLOWER. 

Back in his little corner with conscientious heart 
The patient organ blower performs his humble part. 
With hand upon the lever and eye upon the lead 
He waits until the preacher his tiresome say has said, 
And then he g-ives the bellows a full supply of air, 
Which poureth forth melodious in hymns of praise and 

prayer. 
His stroke is firm and steady; for, when it is not so. 
The organ squeals a jerky disgruntled tremolo. 
A great responsibility rests on his faithfulness, 
And, if he stops a pumping, there cometh deep dis- 
tress ; 
A groan, a gasp, a silence — the choir all look around; 
The gospel ship has surely struck rock and gone 
aground ! 



COMFORTS. 

When Pat awoke on Christmas day 
And from his eyes the rheum did wipe. 

Two presents 'fore his vision Isiy, 
A prayer-book and a corn-cob pipe. 

"Bedad!" said he; "they've hit me well 
Oi'U do me smokin' here below. 

An' whin the brim stun I do shmell, 
Oi'll take me book an oop I'll go!" 



SANTO DOniNQO. 

A Cradle Song by Uucle Sanii. 

Rockaby, rockaby, rockaby, O, 
Sweet little, dark little Domingo! 
Close your bright eyes now, 

Stop all your noise. 

Or Papa will show how 

To spank little boys. 

Ill 



Lullaby, lullaby, lullaby, O, 
Troublesome boisterous, Doming-ol 
See those great ships there 

With their big- guns? 
Well, don't you ever dare 
Throw any stuns ! 

Rockaby, rockaby, rockaby, O, 
Go to sleep darling, my Domingo! 
Look at your brother ; see 

Good Panama ! 
He doesn't bother me, 
His dear old Pa. 

Lullaby, lullaby, lullaby, O, 
Be a nice baby now, Domingo! 
There are the Phillipine 

Children, alas, 
When I took them, in, 
I was an ass ! 

Rockaby, rockaby, rockaby, O, 
All of these young 'unsdo trouble me so ! 
See the Sand witches too 

And little Guam 
Wrapt in their cradle blue 
Still as a lamb ! 

Lullaby, lullaby, lullaby, O, 
You must behave yourself, Domingo. 
Keep your mouth tight shut — 

Close it up quick, 
Or Papa will go and cut 
A big birch stick ! 

Rockaby, lullaby, rockaby, O, 

Not a yelp more from you, Domingo ! 

112 



A LITTLE EXCITED YET. 

A sweet young- wife came in the store 

At an early morning- hour, 
And softly whispered : "Will you send to our door 

An empty barrel of flour ? 

They are g-etting things ready for Jake and me 

At a very pretty jog-, 
And I am so anxious to make, you see, 

A hencoop for our dog!" 



EASILY DISTINGUISHED. 

■'Where is your papa, my g-ood little Ben ?" 
Asked a man of a boy, who was playing on a mat ; 

'Out yonder," he replied, "in the big pig-pen ; 
You can tell him, sir, right easy, for he always 
wears a hat !" 



PRESBYTERIAN PROFANITY. 

"O, Di Immortales!" Now the shade of Cicero 
Cries out from his long rest and tears his hair ; 

Here comes a host of women against the reckless foe. 
Which doth in terms like "gosh" and "goodness" 
swear ! 

"Oh, fudge!" you must not say, for high on Heaven's 
throne 

Sits a jealous, wrathful, narrow minded God, 
Who cannot bear to listen to the slig-htest verbal tone 

Reflecting- on the power of his rod. 

"MyLordie! bless me ! dum it ! Gee Whittaker !" 
must g-o ; 

"Dogon it ! blast it ! O my gracious ! pshaw !" 
The evil spirit in us will strain our boilers so. 

They'll burst along- the lines of greatest flaw. 

8 113 



The worst is not what carelessly g-oes flitting- by the 
lips, 
But what remains a festering- in our souls ; 
These startling- exclamations are but silly thought- 
less slips, 
Mere foam upon the sea which deeper rolls. 

Then do not get excited over weak external things, 
Look rather to the heart, which prompts the word ; 

The man who sugared phrases to the surface alwaya 
brings. 
Is seldom by a noble motive stirred. 



BRYAN TO ROOSEVELT. 

Hey, Comrade, shake ! We're now good pards,. 
Although astride of difi^erent steeds ; 

Against the trusts we'll play our cards 
Ruled by the self-same strenuous leads. 

You're down on tariffs, so am I ; 

Rebates are robbery, you say ; 
Clean up the land-frauds ! That's my cry ;, 

I'm with you man, just fire away ! 

In politics strange fellows bunk 

Together, as the issues rise ; 
From out a common flask of spunk 

We've drawn a sup, that fear defies. 

Ride on, my lad, I'm close behind 
From early morn till setting sun ; 

It won't be long, before we'll find 
Our mutual foes upon the run. 



MOTHER. 

Modestly she lived — few knew 
Her many virtues rare^ — 

Content our household to imbue 
With the blessings of her care. 

114 



While others spread their gaud^- wings, 

She brooded o'er her nest, 
And looked securely to the spring-s, 

Whence flow earth's joys the best. 
When sorrow came she meekly bowed 

Beneath the chastening rod. 
Remembering, 'twas a passing cloud. 

That hid the smile of God. 
She saw her brightest hopes fulfilled, 

Life's banner all unfurled, 
And then the melody was stilled 

And peace came o'er her world. 



THE TWENTIETH CENTURY HOME. 

In my bachelor apartments on the twenty-seventh floor 

I have tacked a pretty picture to the panel of the door. 

'Tis the cover of a magazine, which monthly comes 
around 

And finds me in the clouds of smoke three hundred 
feet from ground. 

The legend on it touched my heart, and. as I con my 
tome, 

I glance at it and think about my "Twentieth Century 
Home." 

The picture is a lady seated on a milk-white horse ; 

Straight to my arms she's coming to drive away re- 
morse ; 

But 'tis a a dream; she cannot ride so near to Heaven's 
dome ; 

You must take the elevator for the Twentieth Century 
Home I 

Imagine in that old sweet song, amid its warp and 
woof, 

As high above the pavement you nestle 'neath the roof, 

"Midst automobiles, trolley lines, and subways 
though you roam. 

There's no retreat of safety like the Twentieth Cen- 
tury Home." 

115 



Oh, how I long- to g-allop over hills and wooded dells. 
Where the sparkling- mountain torrent from earth's 

bosom upward wells! 
The maiden on her ghostly steed has come to be a 

gnome, 
Which fills me with a hatred for my Twentieth Cen- 



tury Home 



SAQWA. 

Air : Aunie of the Vale. 



Oh, let me sing of Sagwa, the blessed healing Sagwa,. 

Which brings relief to every ache or pain : 
It cools inflammation, it cures constipation. 

It straightens out a thick and tangled brain. 
Drink, drink, Sagwa drink, drink till you feel like a 
lark; 

If struck with emotion, just add to the potion, 
And drink"away from sunrise until dark. 

There stole into our village for guile and for pillage 
Some Kickapoos, who charmed our maiden's hearts; 

Their costumes were tasteful, their dancing most 
graceful ; 
Their arrows proved but Cupid's hidden darts. 

They told a dismal story, an awful category 

Of ailments falling to the lot of man, 
And said each tribulation, each racking inflammation^ 

Their Sagwa put at once beneath a ban. 

For slow or quick consumption, for pig-head or pre- 
sumption. 

For mulishness, or for a biting tongue. 
Catarrh, or indigestion, lumbago, chin-congestion. 

Rheumatics, inflammation of the lung, 

Drink, drink, etc. 

116 



Mid winter's stormy numbers there swept across our 
slumbers 
A malady the Frenchmen called LaGrippe, 
But while the rest in frenzy were dreading "in- 
fluenzy," 
We gave our Sagwa now and then a sip. 

We've nigh forgetten Sagwa, the blessed healing 
Sagwa, 

But other physics still are selling well; 
We filter through our body some medicated toddy 

And to our neighbors all its virtues tell. 



THE VALENTINE. 

At the age of sixty-nine 
One would surely not opine, 
There would come a valentine 

On the scene. 
But the blissful joy is mine. 
The handwriting to divine, 
And invoke a trembling line 

To Irene. 

'Tis a figure of a maid 

And she does not seem afraid 

In pursuance of her trade 

To look sweet ; 
With a basket full of posies 
And one of the cutest noses 
Her dark eye on me reposes 

In my seat; 

For I've pinned her on the wall, 
Ear-rings, petticoat, and all. 
And I hope she will not fall 

And spill her fiowers; 
That they may not quickly fade. 
Though, no doubt, they are well made, 
I will keep her in the shade 

Sunny hours. 

117 



When I see her standing- there, 
I g-o dreaming- of a fair 
Village cot of old days, where 

In the street 
I could see another maiden 
With the same smile lightly laden 
In a muddy puddle "wadin" 

With bare feet. 

Ah, I am too old to marry ! 

On such dreams I must not tarry ! 

But that dainty paddling- fairy 

Nectarine 
Is my valentine forever I 
Time nor distance shall not sever ! 
I'll forg-et her never, never, 

My Irene ! 



ROCKEFELLER. 

[Begging Pardou of James R. IvOwell.J 

Ours is a land of plenty — there's enoug^h for every one ; 
From the bosom of Dame Nature blessing-s roll out by 

the ton ; 
We would be the happiest people beneath the g-lorious 
sun, 
If John D. Rockefeller, he 
Would not so big a porker be. 
He's accumulating- money faster than his clerks can 

count ; 
Every widow's lamp is burning to build high the 

golden mount ; 
Aye, we all must swell the current from his kerosenic 
fount ; 
For John D. Rockefeller, he 
Is bound to own the earth and sea. 

118 



He expects to bribe Jehovah with his gifts to Baptist 

schools ; 
He imag-ines the Creator is much like terrestrial fools ; 
But perhaps he'll find that Heaven is controlled by- 
other rules, 
When John D. Rockefeller, he 
Takes a peep into eternity. 
And it my be ere he leaves this w^orld the trouble will 

beg-in ; 
For sometimes retribution makes a close race after 

sin ; 
In Washing-ton and Kansas we are hearing quite a 
din, 
And John D. Rockefeller, he 
Says: "I'm afraid they're after me!" 



SIMILIA SIMILIBU5 CURANTUR. 

A man with a "jag" found a comforting goal 
In Ihe kindly support of a telephone pole, 
And, bracing himself to stand perfectly plumb, 
He heard through the wood the wires' gentle hum. 
"Egad" he remarked, "my head's all a roar; 
I must back to the bar-room for one drink more I" 



AGITATED. 

Of her sea-sickness she said, while excitedly she 

fanned : 
"The only thing, that I could keep upon my stomach, 

was my hand." 



GOOD EXERCISE. 

Our congressmen march up the hill 
At Washington, and then, 

While they await a Senate bill, 
March calmly down again. 

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AflENDHENT XV 

The colored boy may vote, 
He may wear a soldier's coat, 

He may march, and fight, and for his country fall, 
But, with reference to the dance, 
That's another circumstance ; 

He's excluded from th' Inaug-uration Ball. 

He's a handy man around. 

Like a bird-dog, or a hound. 
To run about and answer to your call. 

He's a citizen, may be. 

And officially he's free. 
But the fifteenth doesn't figure at the ball. 

Just think of buxom belles. 

With wreaths of immortelles 
And bulging ebon bosoms, in the hall ! 

What a picture that would make! 

They would surely "take the cake," 
And drive their vanquished sisters to the wall. 

And, when Sambo shakes his feet, 

White trash calmly take their seat; 
They know better than to try to dance at all. 

If you really would prepare 

A superb and swell afl^air, 
You must ask the dark contingent to the Ball. 



THE OLD SCHOOL HOUSE. 

It stood upon the village green 
And on its right by scarce a rod 

And ancient hostelry was kept 
And at the left the House of God. 

In front a grove of maple trees 

Threw graceful shadows 'round the yard, 
Though in the bark deep whittled names 

Most cruelly their beauty scarred. 

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'Twas homely built of wood and paint, 

It's only ornament a tower. 
Where swung- the old familiar bell. 

Which pealed for us a dreaded hour. 

But O, the memories, that cling- 
Around its desks and stoves and halls ! 

What friendships, loves," and jealousies 

Have flourished 'tween those hallowed walls I 

Below we took our infant draughts 

From learning-'s deep exhaustless cup, 

And with our tricks and roguery 
We stiired the teacher's dander up. 

The higher room, ambition's goal ! 

O, happy, g-lorious day 'twould ibe, 
When underneath the master's eye 

From apron strings we should be free ! 

Those games of ''Pom-pom-pull-away," 
The ball we batted 'gainst the shed. 

The broken windows, wrestles, fights— 
What scenes g-o flitting through my head I 

*Twas here I taught my maiden school. 

To which came girls as old as I 
And boys, who spoke my given name, 

A freedom I could not deny. 

And when ag-ain by curious fate 

In after years I took the chair, 
Behold their sons and daughters grown 

So like the parents sitting- there ! 

The building now was much enlarged. 
And many books within were stored 

Of mathematics, science, arts. 
And poetry a goodly hoard. 

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And from the wall my father's face 
Looked down upon the girls and boys 

With mien benevolent and kind, 
As if partaking- of their joys. 

The firefiend twice in ruthless mood 
Has laid this humble structure low ; 

The last wild night it seemed the town 
Swept by a holocaust must go ! 

The old hotel joined in the blaze, 

The spot was left a blackened waste, 

The trees all dead — with one fell stroke 
The scenes of childhood were erased. 

The tale is told — the play is done — 
The dear old school house is no more, 

But in the heart of many a one 

'Twill always stand there as of yore. 



122 



SEP 1 >9C5 



